"If Only Life Were Like A Computer!" If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on “run.” If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend.” Hit “any key” to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you lose your car keys, click on “find.” “Help” with the chores is just a click away. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1895 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

FW: Koala Story A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint. A little lizard walked past, looked up, and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, "Blimey,duuuuude! How much water did you drink?!!" -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1892 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle) 14. Dicker (To barter or trade) 15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy) 16. Hold your horses (Be patient!) 17. Hoosegow ( a jail) 18. I reckon (I suppose) 19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing) 20.Kit and caboodle (The whole thing) 21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry) 22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson) 23.No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore) 24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish) 25.Pert-near (short for pretty near) 26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks) 27.Red up (clean the house) 28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person) 29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain) -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1874 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle) 14. Dicker (To barter or trade) 15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy) 16. Hold your horses (Be patient!) 17. Hoosegow ( a jail) 18. I reckon (I suppose) 19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing) 20.Kit and caboodle (The whole thing) 21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry) 22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson) 23.No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore) 24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish) 25.Pert-near (short for pretty near) 26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks) 27.Red up (clean the house) 28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person) 29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain) -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1874 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later. 'A lick and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases: 1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement) 2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge) 3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one) 4. At sea (lost or not understanding something) 5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person) 6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.) 7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person 8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose ) 9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it) 10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult) 11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk) 12. Calaboose (a jail) -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1874 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

----- Original Message ----- From: "Edna Wakeham" <[email protected]> To: "GenHumor" <[email protected]> Sent: Sunday, November 16, 2008 12:28 Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: New Bar in Town (AWDEWD) > > In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a > building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a > campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work > progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a > lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. > > The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the > bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately > responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or > indirect actions or means. > > The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the > buildings demise in its reply to the court. > > As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork > at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, > but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in > the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't. > > > > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Get the Moviefone Toolbar. Showtimes, theaters, movie news & more! > > -- > I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. > We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. > SPAMfighter has removed 1872 of my spam emails to date. > Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len > > The Professional version does not have this message > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message >

Home Depot Scam As a VERY regular Home Depot (and Lowe's) visitor of late, I made SURE my husband was aware of this scam, so that he would not get caught in this terrible situation. Subject: Home Depot Scam I NEVER thought I'd a fall for this, but it happened.....A heads up for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1872 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court. As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get the Moviefone Toolbar. Showtimes, theaters, movie news & more! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1872 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

A Spanish teacher Was explaining to her class That in Spanish, unlike English, Nouns are designated as either Masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la Casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, The teacher split the class into two groups, Male and female, And asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" Should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons For its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate With other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, But half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you Had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get the Moviefone Toolbar. Showtimes, theaters, movie news & more! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1872 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Dogs 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1872 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

MY TILLIE When Johnny married Tillie He knew he'd found a prize In such a lovely lady Enchanting and so wise. They were in their "golden years" A happy time in life When Johnny lost his darling His most charming, loving wife. He tried to find another To ease his aching heart And that's when he met Annie Who lived him from the start. They courted and then married Were so very happy, too But john still loved his Tillie More than Annie ever knew. Then when John and Annie died They left a legacy And found among his papers A note for John's trustee "When I die, just bury me Up where the ground is hilly Lay me between my two wives But tilt me toward my Tillie!" -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1871 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

HUGS It's wondrous what a hug can do. A hug can cheer you when you're blue. A hug can say, "I love you so." Or "Gee, I hate to see you go." A hug can soothe a small child's pain And bring a rainbow after rain. The hug! There's just no doubt about it-- We scarcely could survive without it. A hug delights and warms the charms, It must be why God gave us arms. Hugs are great for fathers and mothers Sweet for sisters, swell for brothers, And chances are your favorite aunts Love them more than potted plants. Kittens crave them. Puppies love them. Heads of State are not above them. A hug can break the language barrier And make your travels so much merrier. No need to fret about your store of 'em: The more you give The more there's more of 'em. So stretch those arms without delay And GIVE SOMEONE A HUG TODAY!!! ----ANONYMOUS -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1871 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

WHEN I QUIT When I quit this mortal shore and mosey 'round this earth no more, Don't weep, don't sigh, don't grieve, don't sob - I may have struck a better job. Don't go out and buy a large bouquet, for which you will find it hard to pay. Don't hand 'round me looking blue. I may be better off than you. Don't tell the folks I was a saint or anything you know I ain't If you have stuff like that to spread Please send it out before I'm dead. If you have roses, bless your soul Just pin one on my buttonhole But do it when I am at my best Instead of when I am safe at rest. Author unknown -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1871 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

The ostrich A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1871 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Give it some thought. It's oh so true. It's hard to find a friend who is: 96% Talented 97% Funny 98% Loving 99% Intelligent And 100% Sweet So...................... Don't lose me, okay? AOL Search: Your one stop for directions, recipes and all other Holiday needs. Search Get the Moviefone Toolbar. Showtimes, theaters, movie news & more! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1871 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Q: What did the mother skunk say to her teenage skunk? A: Don't stink and drive. Q: What would happen if a dairy cow exploded? A: Udder madness! Employer: "Where did you receive your training?" Applicant: "Yale." Employer: "Great, what's your name?" Applicant:"Yim Yohnson." Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Plenty of room Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: You drop it a line. Q: What should you do if there's a kidnapping in Texas? A: Wake him up. Q: How do you start a firefly race? A: On your mark, get set, glow! Q: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A: A spelling bee! ========= A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get the Moviefone Toolbar. Showtimes, theaters, movie news & more! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1871 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Your welcome and I really did enjoy this one. Not sure about the size of the turkey you'll need but I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you cut into the turkey. Please be sure and share your story with us if indeed you do follow through with 'the plan'. -------------- Original message from Bonnie Wright <[email protected]>: -------------- > Rebecca, > > Thanks for the positive feedback! > > My husband the sweetest man you could imagine ... But he is also gullible > ... AND open to a good joke, even if it's on him. > > I usually spend Thanksgiving with my sister, but that isn't happening this > year. > > I don't usually cook a turkey ... There will just be 3 of us for > Thanksgiving ... > > I wonder how big a bird I would need to get the hen in there? > > Bonnie > > > On 11/14/08 1:38 AM, "Rebecca" wrote: > > > Bonnie what a great story. Hope your husband falls for it if you try it on it. > > Ha > -------------- Original message from Bonnie Wright : > > -------------- > > > > PREGNANT TURKEY STORY > > > > One year at Thanksgiving, my > > mom went to my sister's house for the > > traditional feast. Knowing how > > gullible my sister is, my mom decided > > to play a trick. > > > > She told my > > sister that she needed something from the store. > > > > When my sister left, my > > mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the > > stuffing, stuffed a > > Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and > > re-stuffed the turkey. > > She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. > > > > When it was time for > > dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven > > and proceeded to remove > > the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit > > something, she reached in and > > pulled out the little bird. > > > > With a look of total shock on her face, my > > mother exclaimed, "Patricia, > > you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality > > of this horrifying news, > > my sister started to cry. > > > > It took the family > > two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! > > > > > > Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! > > > > ======= > > OK, I¹ll confess: My friend > > sent this to me. > > But I enjoyed it enough, that I hope all of you will, too. > > > > I¹m not sharing it with my husband, yet, though ‹ Wonder if I can actually > > > > pull it off?!? :) > > Enjoy! > > Bonnie > > > > ------------------------------- > > > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > > > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes > > in > > the subject and the body of the message > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an > > email to [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in > the subject and the body of the > message

Fright Night My daughter Jill was looking to do something different from the Pumpkin Farm for Halloween for the kids. Every year we go to "Bishop's Pumpkin Farm " in Wheatland. She looked into this "Fright Night" thing in Nevada City. She called and the lady said it was all age appropriate. She said they wander through the woods at night with strobe lights and volunteers jump out of the bushes dressed like spooks and goblins and scare them to death.. We kinda looked at each other and thought, "Sounds like a "Blair Witch Project" thing all over, and the kids would be petrified, and I imagine we would be also. I am sure after this outing, they would never again go out after dark, never eat another pumpkin pie , would be scared senseless of a Jack O' Lantern and would never again participate in Halloween . So on Monday we are going to the pumpkin farm in Wheatland.

Happy Flu Year Jan 1, 2008 We are all fine, except the grand kids have had the one day throw up on the floor flu. Daughter Jill's boy Max started it, he was sick Christmas eve, then 3 days later her daughter Alix got it and filled her new boots she got for Christmas with puke. She was in the recliner with her boots off, which were sitting underneath, she gets sick, throws up on recliner foot rest, gets out of chair and fills boots with puke. Then the night before last I went out to son Rick's to watch grand son Jace and at 4 in the morning he pukes all over the floor twice. While he is back in bed with a cold rag on his head, I am wasting a roll of paper towels wiping up Mc Chicken chunks bathed in Dr. Pepper. I hate that. Seems I have been exposed to each one of them, I must be next. Of course, I got my flu shot so I should be fine right?

The Pool Floater July 14, 2001 Seeing as how the pool is up and no one was here but me, I thought I would lay on the pool floater and see if maybe I could do something with these white legs. So I got the pool floater thing, put it in the pool and attempted to get up on it. So first I pull it close to me and try to heave myself up on it belly first. Should have known I couldn't jump that high. The floater flew to the other side of the pool as I fell to the bottom of the pool. Then I tried pulling it over to the ladder and getting on the step and straddle it. As I put my leg over the floater, it jumped 10 feet straight into the air as I slid off the end of it. Then I tried just standing on the ladder and falling on it face first. I never slid down anything so fast in my life, but I caught the floater before it flew all the way out of the pool. Several more attempts with contortions to go with them, I thought it would have been easier to drain the water and get on it, then fill the pool up. I was thinking to myself, thank god no one is here watching me, and I look over at the deck and there is my husband smirking to himself. "Do you want me to rent a crane?" he asks.