A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is a lot of risk involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?' -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1955 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary , slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God. LETTER 4: I GOT YOUR MAMA..... IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1951 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

A Little Bedtime Prayer . . . Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles. Please no bags. Please lift my butt before it sags. Please no age spots. Please no gray. And as for my belly, please take it away. Please keep me healthy. Please keep me young, And thank you, Dear Lord, For all that you've done. Amen .....author unknown -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1951 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

----- Original Message ----- From: Rebecca Clemmer To: bailey clemmer Sent: Saturday, November 29, 2008 9:53 PM Subject: MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING! MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING! I don't do windows because ... I love birds And don't want one to run into a clean window And get hurt. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest Will slip and get hurt Then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.) I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, And they agree with everything I say. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature To have a home of their own. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons And don't want the others To get jealous. I don't pull weeds ... In the garden because I don't want to get In God's way, He is an excellent designer! I don't put things away because ... My husband Will never be able To find them again. I don't do gourmet meals . When I entertain because I don't want my guests To stress out over what To make when They invite me Over for dinner. I don't iron because . I choose to believe them When they say "Permanent Press". I don't stress much on anything because . "A Type" personalities Die young And I want to stick around And become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1936 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

This doublely funny to me since my six year old granddaughter told me she wanted Santa to bring her a baby brother this year!     Smile...it makes people wonder what you've been doing!   ________________________________ From: Edna Wakeham <[email protected]> To: GenHumor <[email protected]> Sent: Friday, November 28, 2008 10:23:41 AM Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: Early Letter To Santa Early Letter To Santa Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."   . -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1930 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

Early Letter To Santa Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..." . -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1930 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elderly Road Trip (Remind you of anyone you know?) While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.' This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well . . . my job is done. Your turn! EL ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Check out smokin' hot deals on laptops, desktops and more from Dell. Shop Deals -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Traveling over the river or through the woods this holiday season? Get the MapQuest Toolbar. Directions, Traffic, Gas Prices & More! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1926 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

They Are Finally Together She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're Finally together.' One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband? The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs'. __,_._,___ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1922 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1912 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1912 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping One of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still Didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, She had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, They're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than It was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time On the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit he r tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she Struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little Feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she Mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle The boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1912 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1912 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Pun Intended 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1912 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Hey great! I think I'll try this recipe. It can't be any worse than the year I used a year-old turkey roasting bag and it caught on fire and melted on the turkey... Diane H. Diane Hettrick [email protected]

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. BAKED STUFFED TURKEY 6-7 lb. turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn ( ORVILLE REDENBACHER IS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the Turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the Turkey flies across the room, it's done. And, you thought I couldn't cook......... Happy Thanksgiving -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1903 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

An Alphabet for Aging A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. . . Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed. And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed ---author unknown -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1903 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then.' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once! __._,_.___ If __,_._,___ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1896 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

----- Original Message ----- From: Rebecca Clemmer To: [email protected] Sent: Thursday, November 20, 2008 11:02 PM Subject: Wisdom From Senior Citizens 1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran? 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. 9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging. 10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock. 11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though. 12. It was so different before everything changed. 13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be. 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. 16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few. 18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. 19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. 20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun. 22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. 24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that). 25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 26. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. 27. If you are living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt. 28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead. 29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 30. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. 33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. 34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Author Unknown -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1896 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

AOL Email The Dysfunctional Bears Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me." Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too." So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1896 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash. We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately. To feel like a new person, click on “refresh.” Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse. To undo a mistake, click on “back.” Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update.” If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete.”