WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LIFE CAN BE LEARNED FROM SANTA -Encourage people to believe in you. -Always remember who's naughty and who's nice. -Don't pout. -It's as much fun to give as it is to receive. -Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby. -Make your presents known. -Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want. -Bright red can make anyone look good. -Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained. -If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important. -Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO! Thanks, Rebecca -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1997 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Q: What would happen if you swallowed a frog? A: You might croak. Q: Why shouldn't you feed your teddy bear? A: He is already stuffed. Q: Why couldn't the fans get soda pop at the double-header? A: Because the home team lost the opener. ============A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!" The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1997 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

As I was dropping off my son at his daycare the other day, I overheard some of the other children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one little boy. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the littlest child in the group piped up. "My sister takes antibiotics!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1997 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Advise your children to get you quality gifts. After all, they don't want to inherit junk. Beware of a chiropractor who wears a neck brace. Beware of bargains in life belts, parachutes and heart transplants. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; if you aren't home by then you're in trouble. Despite what you read in the papers, people don't usually die in alphabetical order. Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows. Be suspicious if you discover that your car mechanic has clean fingernails. If lightning strikes, make sure that you're walking next to a tall person. ========== We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked up a red one and asked the clerk to have it gift-wrapped. When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and— surprise—out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be." ========== An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Scout, you must use all your thirty years of skills for me and try to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." The trusty Indian Scout lays down and puts his ear to the ground. "Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. Many, many guns! Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?" "NO," replied the Indian. "I can see under the gate." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1997 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

- The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on. - You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will adopt you. - A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once! - Repeat after me: we are all individuals! - If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count backwards? - I used to be indecisive ... I think. - A careful study of economics has recently revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year. - You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end. - For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. - If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of cows? - I'm not cheap ... but I am on special this week. - When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get awful crowded. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1997 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. - Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? - If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? - Does fuzzy logic tickle? - If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? - I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. - How come you never hear about GRUNTLE employees? - How much faith does it take to be an atheist? - I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. - If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of? - If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? - If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box? - Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? - I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? - What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1997 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

This toooo funny!! : As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking his list twice must not be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" or "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to the house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny continued. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said - trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny! Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, and grandma stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her.

A Christmas Story Santa, just like many of us, was beginning to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Four of his elves were sick and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which of course, only stressed him even more. As he went to harness the reindeer, he found three ready to give birth and two roaming only Heaven knows where, as they had jumped the fence. He slowly began to load his sleigh, just as one of the floorboards cracked and the toy bag fell, scattering its possessions over the ground. A frustrated Santa headed inside for a warm cup of cider and a big shot of rum. He opened the cupboard and to his dismay, he found an empty cider jug and a missing jar of rum. "Oh those bad little elves" he exclaimed in dismay. And just then the cider jar fell from his hand to the floor, leaving behind a thousand little glass pieces. So Santa reached for the broom and saw all the straw missing, having been eaten by the bad little mice. Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. The End -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1986 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

SANTA PAWS ...sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland Dog tags ring, are you listenin' In the lane, snow is glistenin'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty. Marked up as my winter wonderland. In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine. Straight from me to the fence post, flows my natural incense boast. Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1986 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN ... Who';s jolly and cute Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, And if he is chuckling and laughing away, While flying around in a miniature sleigh, With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it... Your eggnog's too strong! Merry Christmas and a Happy 2OO9 Visit messengerbuddies.ca to find out how you could win. Enter today. =================================================== This communication contains confidential Securitas Security Services USA, Inc. business information, and is intended for the addressee only. If you have received this message in error, or if there is a problem with the communication, please notify the sender immediately. The unauthorized use, disclosure, reproduction, forwarding, copying or alteration of this message is strictly prohibited. Participants in this communication are not permitted to exchange or transmit Personal Identity Information (PII) via unsecured email. PII includes: Social Security numbers, credit card numbers, bank and credit union account numbers, health insurance plan identification numbers, driver’s license numbers, dates of birth, and other similar information associated with an individual that, if misused, might compromise that person's personal or financial security.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY : In Florida , an atheist created a case against the Easter & Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews & observances of their holy days. The argument was it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed." The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter & others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur & Hanukkah. Yet my client & all other atheists have no such holidays." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Counsel, your client is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is 'April Fools Day.' Psalm 14:1 states 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account. -- --------- Note to all ---------- Please delete my address before forwarding this to others. If you forward this email, please delete the forwarding history, which includes my email address and maybe others. It is a courtesy to me and others who may not wish to have their email addresses sent all over the world. Erasing the history helps prevent spammers from mining addresses and prevents viruses from being propagated. If at all possible send email to others under Blind Copy. Thanks! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1986 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

That is such a precious story. Thanks for sharing with all of us. Rebecca -------------- Original message from Wanda Cline <[email protected]>: -------------- Went to see my 6 year old granddaughter Sunday, and she was very excited. As she showed me her new Christmas tree, she also showed me the ornament she got from Santa. Seems Santa sent her an ornament and a letter. She made me read the letter aloud. It said he'd been checking his list, and her name was near the top. Trying to tease her, I asked, " Which list do you think he meant - the naughty or the nice list?" With a very worried look on her face, she cried, "I > don't know, Grandma,--- he didn't say!" > > > > Smile...it makes people wonder what you've been doing! > > > > > ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to [email protected]m with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in > the subject and the body of the message

I asked my granddaughter, 6, what she wanted us to get her for Christmas, if we had enough money. (I know she wants a baby brother, and a pony!) She thought a moment, then asked me if I had 3. I almost cried. I assured we could get her something for $3, then asked what she had in mind. She reached over and got a box that contained 2 special Barbies that were a gift for a friend of hers. She told me she wanted a package like it because there was one Barbie in it that she didn't have. Knowing that her mother had bought it for $10 on Black Friday, I knew it was more than $3. I asked her why she thought it was $3. She looked at the box again, and as she turned it where I could see, she said, "It says 3 + on the box!".     Smile...it makes people wonder what you've been doing!  

Went to see my 6 year old granddaughter Sunday, and she was very excited. As she showed me her new Christmas tree, she also showed me the ornament she got from Santa. Seems Santa sent her an ornament and a letter. She made me read the letter aloud.  It said he'd been checking his list, and her name was near the top. Trying to tease her, I asked, " Which list do you think he meant - the naughty or the nice list?"  With a very worried look on her face, she cried, "I don't know, Grandma,--- he didn't say!"      Smile...it makes people wonder what you've been doing!  

Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money --------------- fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .' The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here . -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1984 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Keep the Change A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!" ========== A Blonde just texted me & asked, "What Does IDK stand for?" I said..."I don't Know" She said "0MG,Nobody Does! ````````````````````` My nephew works at a place where they do a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house. "Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen?" he asked my nephew. "Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my house." > -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1980 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur. Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these. ============== She'd been taught 'housework is a woman's job,' but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove,and the table set. She was astonished! Turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired...' God is good. ============ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1980 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible. In 1969, "Midnight Cowboy" became the first and only X-rated production to win the Academy Award for Best Picture. (Its rating has since been changed to R.) James Buchanan was the only US president never to be married. Libra, the Scales, is the only inanimate symbol in the zodiac. Maine is the only state in the United States whose name is just one syllable. We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom and 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1980 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

A rooster lays an egg on the roof of a barn. Each side of the roof has a 90 degree angle and wind speed is approximately 15 mph blowing in an eastern direction. The egg is layed at the front part of the roof, which has been caved in due to weather. Because of that part of the roof being caved in, it has a slight 45 degree angle to it, which is more than the rest of the roof. So, which side of the roof will the egg roll off of, the one with the eastern exposure, or the one with the western exposure? Answer: Roosters don't lay eggs. Ha ha! ========== Three Blondes Fishing Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!" ========== -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1980 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.7 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1978 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message