I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods." ========

A collection of genuine funny statements from auto insurance claim forms. Drivers attempt to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words... a.. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. b.. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. c.. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. d.. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. e.. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. f.. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. g.. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. h.. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. i.. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. j.. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

a.. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. a.. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. a.. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. a.. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. a.. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end. a.. I pulled in to the side of the rode because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket. a.. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. a.. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. b.. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. c.. On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. d.. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. e.. The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal. f.. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. g.. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

. a.. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. b.. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. c.. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. d.. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him. e.. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again. f.. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. g.. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. h.. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact. a.. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don''t have. b.. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines.

Funny Insurance Claims A collection of genuine funny statements from auto insurance claim forms. Drivers attempt to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words... a.. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. b.. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. c.. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. d.. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. e.. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife''s face. f.. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. g.. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. h.. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. i.. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. j.. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought. a.. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JUST to share a bit of humor about insurance, my father had a car, had it parked on the street in front of his house, not his normal practice, but there over night, and someone came along and broke the window and stole some stuff. Papa duly reported the damage to police and insurance company, and took the car over to the shop to have the window replaced. Well, don't park on the street. So he parked it up in the driveway, slammed the door, and another window fell into destruction. Oops. Reported it to the insurance company, took the car to the shop and had the 2nd window replaced. Drove it home, parked in the driveway. and lo and behold, a father across the street, doing some engine work on his car, infant son in the car, phone rings, that father goes inside, kid hits the automatic shift, and across the street comes the car over the curb, over everything, and smashes into Papa's car. Right. Reported the whole nasty situation to the police, and the insurance company. The cop taking the report asks, "And do you know who the culprit is?" Mama, who is holding the infant son of the man across the street says, "Um this is him." "Really?" says the cop. "Oh, yes," we say, See cop drop his report board and pop a button while laughing. Deary me. Letter from insurance company, we cancel your policy. Get the door and fender fixed, replaced a window, drove the car home and parked it up on the vacant lot (used for parking) and .... found another insurance company. True story. (sent to me by Susan Gillberg) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if you can catch the goofs. 1. "...an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost courteousness for medical reasons." (Trenton, N.J.) 2. "[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in the throws of a roster overhaul." (Vernon, Conn.) 3. "'It's pretty exciting,' according to his material grand-mother." (Potsdam, N.Y.) 4. "The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought home nine metals." Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.) 5. "McNabb...exasperated the injury attempting to chase down Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams." (Trenton, N.J.) 6. "Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and Temperament." (e-mail) 7. "[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine withdrawls." Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.) 8. "Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and tempting deserts." Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair, Pa.) 9. "Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot." (San Jose, Calif.) 10. "...those who acquaint shopping with charity." (Simsbury, Conn.) ---- Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals 5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate 10. equate ============= The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2070 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

… … … I am Habit! Remember, good habits elevate you, and bad habits bring you down. The trick is to know which is which, and for you to control them, not let them control you. On this New Years Day, it is time to review your habits, and to be honest with yourself. Which of these are good, which need to adjusted, and which are outright harmful. Know this is half the battle of moving forward. So let’s all start the process of evaluating our habits, and each day making progress towards serious personal growth. Then – you will have a truly "HAPPY" New Year. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2070 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Your best friend or greatest enemy, I am your greatest companion. I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden. I will push you onwards or drag you down to failure. I am completely at your command. Half the things you do, you might as well turn over to me and I'll do them quickly and correctly. I'm easily managed, but you must be firm with me. Show me exactly how you want something done and, after a few lessons, I'll do it automatically. I'm the servant of all great men and, alas, of all failures as well. Those who are great, I have made great. Those who are failures, I have made failures. I work with the precision of a scientist and the passion of a patriot. You many run me for profit or run me for ruin; it makes no difference to me. Take me, train me, be firm with me and I will put the world at your feet. But be easy with me and I'll destroy you. Who am I? … -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2070 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes and tell the world about your virtues. May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and may your checkbook and budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity. May you remember to say I love you at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent, but not to your secretary, your nurse, your personal trainer, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor. May we all live in a world at peace, with the awareness of God’s love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby’s smile, every lover’s kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart. May it be as you wish...Hope your New Year's a wonderful, healthy, and happy one, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2070 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your plumber and the IRS. May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall, and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2070 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he Was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of Voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we Ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?' Old Harold had enough of this particular nurse. One Day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the Tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So You know where the juice went! The nurse came in a Little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, It seems we are a little cloudy today ' At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, Popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run It through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.' The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled! DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Life expectancy – 78.5 years or 2,475,576,000 seconds Words Spoken in Lifetime - 123,205,750 Friendships – 1,700 Baths – 7,163 Dreams – 104,390 Beef and Veal consumed – 4.5 cows per person Chickens consumed – 1,201 per person Potatoes consumed – 5130 pounds Chocolate – 10,354 bars Baked Beans – 845 cans Farts – 35,815 liters of wind Soap – 656 bars Toothpaste – 276 tubes Deodorant – 272 cans Shampoo – 198 bottles Beer – 10,351 pints Wine – 1,694 bottles Vomit produced – 149 liters Sex – 4,239 times Holidays - 59 trips -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

. Drop an unkind word, or careless phrase: in a minute you forget; But there's little waves a-flowing, and there's ripples circling yet, And perhaps in some sad heart a mighty wave of tears you've stirred, And disturbed a life was happy ere you dropped that unkind word. Drop a word of cheer and kindness: just a flash and it is gone; But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on, Bearing hope and joy and comfort on each splashing, dashing wave Till you wouldn't believe the volume of the one kind word you gave. Drop a word of cheer and kindness: in a minute you forget; But there's gladness still a-swelling, and there's joy circling yet, And you've rolled a wave of comfort whose sweet music can be heard Over miles and miles of water just by dropping one kind word. New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Drop a pebble in the water: just a splash, and it is gone; But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on, Spreading, spreading from the center, flowing on out to the sea. And there is no way of telling where the end is going to be. Drop a pebble in the water: in a minute you forget, But there's little waves a-flowing, and there's ripples circling yet, And those little waves a-flowing to a great big wave have grown; You've disturbed a mighty river just by dropping in a stone. Drop an unkind word, or careless phrase: in a minute it is gone; But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on. They keep spreading, spreading, spreading from the center as they go, And there is no way to stop them, once you've started them to flow. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company. The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway. The sign came back a few days later..."Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide." Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. ~ Dale Camegie Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate. Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level. ~Max L. Forman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car! SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. SPOTTED ON A SIGN IN SCOTLAND: Eat here and you'll never live to regret it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Struggles and disappointments didn't destroy it. You simply put it away and forgot about it. There are flashes now and then, little reminders. A thought you can't quite grasp. A feeling that slips through your fingers. A yearning that never completely goes away. In the twinkling of a moment, you are here. In the twinkling of another you are gone. Everything in between is the completeness of your life, not the separate compartments that push and pull and stretch you thin. God gave you the gift of life, creating you as its miracle. You are never anything less than miraculous. Do not ever think otherwise. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Do you stand in awe of yourself as an incredible creation and view your life from that point? You should... You have the miraculous ability to breathe, see, feel, hear, move, smell, touch and love. Is that not wonderful, or have you forgotten who you are beneath your cloak of flesh and bones? Very young children know who they are. Their mere existence is cause for celebration. They run and jump and yell and sing and dance with a passion that rises from the joy of being alive. You had that same sense of awesome wonder -- once. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Minus the good and minus the bad... Minus the happy and minus the sad... Minus those who love you, minus those who love you back and minus those who do not love, or even like you... Minus your social standing and minus your financial position... Minus the image you portray and minus the way that image is perceived... Who are you? In the first light of dawn, before you put on your worldly clothes... In the last light of dusk, when you take them off... Who are you? New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.8 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 2069 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message