Our RS is going to be putting out a book written by the sisters in the ward. We have been asked so share an experience, poem, thought, etc. It's sort of like Chicken Soup for the Soul.....but I think we should call it "Green Jello For The Soul" lol Here is my submission. Thy Will Be Done... There is a picture on my bedside table that my bishop gave to me. It is picture of Christ with the words, �You are never alone.� He gave it to me during one of the darkest times of my life. Whenever I was in much pain or very discouraged and depressed, I would focus solely on this picture and repeat over and over, �I can do this....WE can do this....Help me get through this.� In every condition, in sickness and health.......so thy succor shall be. Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed; for I am thy God and will still give the aid. I�ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand. (LDS Hymn # , How Firm A Foundation) I had undergone surgery for pancreatic cancer and because of complications spent 8 weeks in the hospital--five of them in the ICU. Twice the doctor told my family that I wasn�t going to make it. And many times I prayed that I wouldn�t. When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was given 1-1/12 months to live. �YES�, I said happily. I get to get rid of my yucky body and all the problems associated with it that I�ve had to put up with for 50+ years. (My hospital life began when I was 15 months old in the Primary Children's Hospital. I had severe kypho-scoliosis). I was excited to be �leaving� my body. I felt as though I was going to be taking a trip and I was looking forward to it with great anticipation. Then the biopsy was done.... I learned that I had a slow-growing tumor and the prognosis was 4-6 years. �Oh, no�, I wept, �four to six more years of suffering.� I was not happy. The adjustment to facing the next few years was more difficult than facing death in a month or so. Particularly since there was no sure treatment for my kind of cancer. At first I decided not to do anything. I had watched my husband�s mother suffer through six weeks of radiation for lung cancer only to have her life extended six miserable months and I thought then....why bother? But I remembered the admonitions of Alma: �....even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you....� and I prayed that I might have a desire to fight the cancer. With the love and encouragement of my family and consultation with my Father in Heaven, I finally agreed to seek out treatment somewhere. Eventually I underwent a chemo trial for 9 months and then when we were at a dead end for treatment, we found a surgeon who was willing to take the necessary risks to remove the inoperable tumor. After the surgery there were several complications. Because of infections I had a large open wound across my belly from one side to the other. It had to be left open and irrigated and packed every two hours around the clock; there were also irrigation tubes running in and out of my body all the time. I was being fed through the nose because my digestive system had broken down and there were holes in my stomach and intestines. Later a central line was put in the vein in my neck and I was fed through it. The only pain medication that had any affect was morphine and after five months I became addicted. Next came the withdrawal. I was angry! Hadn�t I suffered enough during the past 50+ years? Why did I have to go through this? What lesson hadn�t I learned that caused this horrible experience? There were so many things I wanted to do...good things...church things....humanitarian things...civic things...traveling....etc. And I prayed to die. I could see no value in my life just lying in bed. I felt like a burden on my family and friends and could do nothing to �pay my way� in this world. I could only lie there and do nothing. I love to read, but because of the medications my mind wasn�t clear and neither books or TV provided any entertainment. �Please let me die, God,� I pleaded. �I just don�t want to do this any more. Please let me come home to you! I can�t do this! Please let me die.� Profound, small miracles happened. One day a dear friend came to see me in the ICU and sat next to my bed and sang songs from the hymn book. The Relief Society President was there almost everyday. Ward members and other friends came to visit or to sing to me. And their love broke through the pain and depression. More than once I felt the profound power of the priesthood as I was given blessings. On several occasions there was a direct result from a blessing. After one of the surgeries I has having trouble breathing and couldn�t get off the ventilator; a blessing restored my breathing and within a few hours I was off the ventilator. My home teachers seemed to be �on call�. Sometimes they were called along with my bishop to come to the hospital in the middle of the night to give me a blessing. Many nights after midnight my son would come to the hospital after work. Sometimes he�d sleep in a chair by my bed. He would hold my hand while he watched TV or slept, and I could feel his love and draw on his strength. My parents came often. One time when I was having a terrible day, my father put his arms gently around me and held me while my body went through the ravages of a very high fever. My mother was always there giving her love and support too. Many times she seemed like my own private duty nurse. After I went home from the hospital , my husband arranged his business so he would be home in the mornings to take care of me and give me medications. With all the stress and responsibilities heaped on his shoulders, he stood strong and gave me even more love. He learned to be my nurse and made sure I didn�t feel burdensome. He always looked for ways to brighten my life and let me know how much he loved me. He never commplained about the inconveniences he has experiencing and would do whatever was necessary to make each of my days the best they could be. My visiting teachers and other ward members also helped with the housework and ironing. One even weeded my rose garden. My mother, who is 75, came several times a week to do housework, laundry and ironing. She nutured and nursed me; many times I felt as though I was a child again. Looking back I can see the lessons I needed to be taught, again. One of the most important lessons was that I am loved. I received a deep Christ-like love and caring from my family, friends and neighbors. I was unable to do anything or give anything back besides love...I could only take. It was a new experience to allow myself to receive. And I also learned that I�m not in control. I�ve tried to control my life and the lives of those I care about....so an important lesson for me was, �I�m not in control�. Fortunately, the one who is in control is a loving, all knowing, wise Father, and I began to let go of the things I could not change. Looking back I�m amazed that I survived the whole experience, but thankful that I did. With God�s help I�ll be able to recover enough to share with others the gifts I have received. Whenever I get discouraged about my health not being good, I remind myself that my Father in Heaven has a plan for me. If that plan requires good, active health, I�ll have it. However, if His plan for me requires, for whatever reason, that my health is not important, he will see me through whatever lies ahead for me. Sharlene Olander