Received from the Cheshire list. > > As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth games this > > July. What you may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to > > make up this spectacular, have been especially altered for Manchester. A > > copy of the changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below. OPENING > > CEREMONY > > The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, > > in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be > > contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the > > stadium. THE EVENTS > > In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been > > particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the > > events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 > > METRES SPRINT > > Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in > > each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be > > released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. > > > > > 110 METRES HURDLES > > As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, > > walls etc) HAMMER > > Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use > > (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most > > physical damage within three attempts. FENCING > > Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 > > minutes. SHOOTING > > A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first > > target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will > > aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages deliveryman. > > The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of > > either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun BOXING > > Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will > > take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager > > while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The > > bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS > > Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an > > expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away > > from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT > > As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian > > rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON > > Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and > > arson. SWIMMING EVENTS > > All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is > > found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. > > Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will > > comprise dropping a tab of acid and watching all the funky ripples on the > > pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The > > Verve" THE MARATHON > > A safe route has yet to be decided. > > > MEN'S 50KM WALK > > Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee > > the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone > > who appears to be mincing.... THE CLOSING CEREMONY > > Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford > > Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, > > and music by the Stockport community choir. The flame will be extinguished > > by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused > > Man United organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be > > boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper > > piping and the central heating boiler. Late News: > > To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has > > been waived this year > > > > > > > > > > > I received this from a relative in Canada who is ex-Manchester and I just had > to post it. > > > Lou > Maidenhead, Berkshire > Researching CROFT-Manchester/BARKER-Stockport-Ashton Under Lyne/BRADLEY-West > Bromwich/MINNS-Henley-Norfolk/WOODLEY-Henley/WISE-Henley/VIALS-Northants/EGG LE > > TON-Henley/NEWBY-Lake District/JOHNSON-Middx > HAVE ACCESS TO 1881 CENSUS FOR UK, 1851 CENSUS FOR NFK/WARWICK & DEVON ALSO > CRIMINAL INDEX 1805-1816 FOR OXON/BERKS AND NOW DEATH SENTENCES 1805-1816 - > UK (FOR FURTHER INDEXES SEE WWW.FHINDEXES.CO.UK) > --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.317 / Virus Database: 176 - Release Date: 1/21/02