An open letter to the person about to send me that mass email: You did not 'just see my site' and see a great opportunity to raise my traffic. You aren't a young, nubile sixteen year-old girl about to go down on her sister just for me. I am perfectly happy with my penis, but thank you for insisting that you can help me improve what I have. I do not own a home, so you cannot help me unlock my hidden equity. I do not need your services or the services of your coding team in India. Thanks for sending me all the resumes though; it's always fun to see someone claim to be an expert in WS_FTP and 'DB3 Progroming.' I have a college degree so odds are I don't want one of yours even if there IS a discount when I buy 3 or more. I suppose it's nice of you to offer a cheaper path to grad school for some though. You do not have pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones that 'show everything' in a way that I've never thought of before. Trust me, I've thought of at least a dozen ways you couldn't imagine. I'm surprised Michael Douglas hasn't kicked my ass already. Even if nude pictures of Chelsea Clinton exist I sure as hell don't want to see them. The words 'farm animals' and 'sex' should never be in such close proximity, hence I won't even crack open the email. Your subject header contains two-dozen garbage characters because you're too cheap to actually pay for the mass email product you're using, so how good can your product or service be? I don't want to know the facts about anyone, anytime. There's a certain amount of blissful ignorance that is required to stay sane these days. Your offer is tempting but the odds are that my personally concocted versions of 'the truth' are better off for my long-term mental health (whatever that may actually be.) Seriously, I have no desire to do anything to my penis. Why in the world you think this is a viable email-marketing scheme is beyond me. I'm too young to need Viagra, but thanks for offering. I don't want to buy prescription medication at bargain prices from you. I barely trust my HMO, why in the world do you think I'll let you fill my scrip? I also don't need the 'all-natural' alternative to Viagra no matter how much better it is than the real thing. Besides, isn't the alternative to Viagra just having loads and loads of money? Speaking of which, I don't want your all-natural alternative to cannabis. I understand the non-alcoholic beer angle but who in the world wants to smoke weed that doesn't get you high? I, like many others, have seen the random photos of Anna Kournikova falling out of a tennis outfit or two. That's more than I need and your promise of hundreds of such photos does nothing to me other than make me feel queasy. The company you are touting might be real but the press release you've concocted in an attempt to boost the price is not. Who in the world do you expect to buy stock from a person using 'sexxymail.com' as their domain anyway? As much as they try to convince you otherwise there are NO sexy stockbrokers. It just doesn't work that way. Did I mention that no amount of discussions of the benefits of implants, creams, pumps or the like will ever convince me that I need to purchase penis-improving aides from an email marketer? Let's be honest for a minute. If you are a nubile 16 year-old who is comfortable with my penis as it is and has a great stock tip you're going to offer to me while you and your sister go down on Catherine Zeta-Jones I might just want in. Otherwise you can just forget sending that message. Thanks for thinking of me though, Boon Sheridan ©2002 Fluffybunny.com. All Rights Reserved. Don't make us come after you.