BELATED UNDERSTANDING I watch the rain speckling my window. Small pinheads of water grow with the oncoming random drops, merging bit by bit, some remaining on the glass, some acquiescing to another fate. I am amazed at the various moods the rain invokes in me, ranging from thoughtful to melancholy. Today it makes me think of my wife. She is a wonderful person, and I am fortunate to have her as my best friend, my lover, my confidant in this life. She and I have been blessed with two daughters and recently a granddaughter. I reflect on this new life amidst us and her potential. It makes me think of potential lost in the past. There are things in this life that tie men and women together and yet separate us at the same time. It is a grand and wonderful mystery of life, the union of two to create new life, to create the future of not only ourselves as individuals, but also ourselves as humankind. Women have the unique experience of conception and the growth of new life within, something that is unknowable by men in its entity and complexity, even if we do have a sympathetic weight gain of 20 pounds, as I did when my wife was pregnant with each of our daughters. She was also pregnant two other times, with each ending in a miscarriage early in the pregnancy. The callous hand of fate swept away the potential of those lives. I remember at those times hugging my wife, holding her for a bit in my arms, and saying I was sorry, but for me, life immediately went on. Over the years I have come to recognize that even though my wife was stoic about her miscarriages, they impacted her more than I realized. She left me small clues that in my maleness I could not see until I viewed them back across time. A mention of the pregnancy here. A mention of sadness after the miscarriages there. A dozen almost imperceptible hints in conversations across nearly twenty years have finally made me comprehend that she experienced a far greater loss than I had imagined. I regret my ignorance. I regret my lack of understanding. I regret that I cannot undo what fate has done, just as I cannot now give the comfort needed so many years ago -- the immediacy of that need lies in our past. I can now only apologize for my past lack of empathy, realizing that hindsight has brought me better understanding. But insight after the fact is often of little help to anyone else but the person who comes to that belated understanding. I love you, and I am sorry I was not more completely there for you in your time of need. The rain continues to fall like a million tears. -- Daniel James .·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·. *: * Richiele * * *·. .·* `*·-:¦:-*´ ³´`*:»§«:*´`³