A Compendium of Fractured Song Titles These were contributed to the Harmonet and/or the BURPS humor group. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Agony in the TeePee (or, The Pain Was In Tents). Better to have loved a short girl, than never to have loved a tall. Come into the Pawn Shop, Mable...I want to get you a loan. Don't Cut through the Wheatfield, Ganny, You're Going Against the Grain. Don't Go Through the Screen Door, Mother, You'll Only Strain Yourself. Every time we throw a party, she beats me to the punch. Get down to the railroad tracks, Mother, and find your father some ties. Head to the roundhouse, Nellie, he can't corner you there. I can row a boat, Canoe? I don't want to set the world on fire, I just want a little heat in the car. I found a Cadillac of a woman, driving a Ford pickup. I Gave Her A Ring and She Gave Me Her Finger. I Got a Rose Between My Toes While Running Through the Greenhouse to You. I Got Tears in My Ears from Lyin' on My Back in My Bed while I Cry Over You. I Had an Apartment Up Front and She Had A Flat Behind. I had her in the fog and myst. I Kissed Her on the Lips and Left Her Behind for You! I learned to sing on my mother's knee, and in other assorted joints. I loved my wife for her nickels until I found the maid's quarters. I met her at the Laundry, but she left with the Tide. I put a bar in my car and now I'm driving myself to drink. I took my girl out in the cornfield and kissed her between the ears. I used to play the trombone, but then I let it slide. I Want A Girl Just Like the Baghdad Had. I wanted to fill my sister's girdle but I just didn't have the guts. I was born just outside of Wedlock, Texas. I Was in Love With a Girl With a Wooden Leg, But We Broke it Off (a.k.a: Peg O' My Heart). I'll never forget what's her name. I'm going to miss you if you go, but if you stay I won't. I'm so miserable since you've been gone, it's almost as if you were here. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me. If you can't get an upper berth in Hawaii, you can always get aloha. If you were the only girl in the world, you would probably be my sister. It was wine, women and song that made our life so rich, but now its Metrocal, same old gal and "sing along with Mitch." Let me call you sweetheart because I can't remember your name. Let's go down to the gravel pit tonight, honey, and I'll get a little boulder. My grandfather wore long underwear, but he kept his trap shut. My mother had water on the knee, and that's why she always wore pumps. Never Hit Your Grandma With A Shovel (It Makes a Bad Impression on Her Mind). She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat. She got the Gold Mine, and I got the Shaft. She sits amongst the cabbage and peas. She was as pure as the driven snow...then she drifted! She was bread in Kentucky but she's just a crumb down here. She was so ugly, she made my cat bark! Show me a home where the Buffalo roam, and I'll show you a messy house. Stay off the stove, grandma, you're too old to ride the range. Stay out of the wheatfield, grandma ... it's harvest time and you'll get reaped. There's No Getting Over You, Dear, So Get Up and Answer the Phone. They can lock me up for loving you, but they can't keep my face from breaking out. They can't play poker in St. Louis anymore, because the cards are in Phoenix. When Banana Skins Are Falling, I'll Slide Right Back to You. When it's Apple Blossom Time in Orange, New Jersey, We'll Make a Peach of a Pair. When they operated on Dad, they opened up mother's male. When we saw Grandma lying on the floor, we knew she was off her rocker. When you see the ring around the bathtub, baby, you'll know I done left you clean. When you were eight and I was nine, we were 17. While I was out jogging, she was a-runnin' around on me. Won't you go home for Christmas, so I can have a happy New Year. Woodpecker's Nightmare :AKA : I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls. You advertise my bathroom and I'll plug your john. You can't pin anything on a nudist. You done ripped out mah heart, and stomped that sucker flat!

Hi, Kara stopped by my site, and created a Greeting Card for you! To pick up your card, simply point your browser at the page listed below. http://www.nurstoon.com/cgi-bin/Cards/cards/may10-0979877388.html The card will remain on the server for about one week, so please print it out or save it as soon as you can. .

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a .·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·. *: * Richiele * * *·. .·* `*·-:¦:-*´ ³´`*:»§«:*´`³

Subject: Tomato Story An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies," You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago! "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour." Which brings us to the moral: .......................... Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also. :-) .·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·. *: * Richiele * * *·. .·* `*·-:¦:-*´ ³´`*:»§«:*´`³

And God Created Mothers (Wonderful!) http://www.justsaywow.com/newfun4/created.cfm <A HREF="http://www.justsaywow.com/newfun4/created.cfm">AOL Link</A> .·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·. *: * Richiele * * *·. .·* `*·-:¦:-*´ ³´`*:»§«:*´`³

THE GIFT It's Mother's Day weekend again, I slouched in my easy chair; It seems the more I do for them, the less they seem to care. I know that they are young, and boys will be just boys; You'd think they'd notice moms get tired, and pick up their own toys. I hung my head feeling sorry for me, at all there was to do; I was all alone in our messy home, and the boys were off to school. I tossed my troubles aside once more, sprang up and took the broom; Once more I'll make our house a home, for they will be back soon. I passed the door of the oldests' room, and there lay such a mess; Tester's paint and model parts, on what used to resemble a desk. The youngest was no different, his room was like the zoo; In there I found lost dishes, and gum in the carpet too. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work, and soon our home did shine; All the while my heart was heavy, for this time was supposed to be mine. Just then I heard the bus pull up, and their footsteps nearing quick; How I wanted to hear an "I love you" or at least receive a gift. I wasn't prepared for what happened next, as the door flung open wide; The oldest presented a basket of flowers, and a hug that warmed me inside. "I love you mom," he said to me, as the youngest stood there so sad; He handed me a folded paper, "This is the only gift I have." I hugged him up beside me, and gave a loving smile; "You know that it's the thought that counts, I'm sure this will be fine." I opened the gift he gave to me, and the tears fell as I read; Inside were two small hand prints, and this is what it said: "Sometimes you get discouraged, because I am so small, And always I leave fingerprints, on furniture and the wall, But everyday I'm growing up, and soon I'll be so tall, So all those little fingerprints, will be difficult to recall, So here's a current hand print, that you can put away, You'll know just how my fingers looked, this year for Mother's Day" He sat there hugging me harder, as he mistook my tears for pain; His gift was small and simple, but oh how my heart felt a change. I told him my tears were those of joy, for he had help me understand; The most precious gift throughout this world is in his little hands. .·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·. *: * Richiele * * *·. .·* `*·-:¦:-*´ ³´`*:»§«:*´`³

My pleasure... http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/ Pat Las Vegas Barbara Vaillancourt wrote: > Pat could you please give me the address to the virus hoaxes sites. > Thank > you, Barb Valcourt@dfn.com > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: Pat Childs <pchilds@concentric.net> > To: <FOLKLORE-L@rootsweb.com> > Sent: Thursday, May 09, 2002 11:30 PM > Subject: [FOLKLORE FAMILY] Virus warning > > > jdbgmgr.exe is listed as a hoax on the virus hoaxes sites. Thought > every > > one might want to check it out before going through all those > changes. > > > > Pat > > Las Vegas > > > > > > ==== FOLKLORE Mailing List ==== > > "Folklore Family" Listresses > > Missi Richiele3@aol.com & Kath Mzmouser@attbi.com > > »§«:*´`³¤³´´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§« > > > > > > ==== FOLKLORE Mailing List ==== > "Folklore Family" Listresses > Missi Richiele3@aol.com & Kath Mzmouser@attbi.com > »§«:*´`³¤³´´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«

Pat could you please give me the address to the virus hoaxes sites. Thank you, Barb Valcourt@dfn.com ----- Original Message ----- From: Pat Childs <pchilds@concentric.net> To: <FOLKLORE-L@rootsweb.com> Sent: Thursday, May 09, 2002 11:30 PM Subject: [FOLKLORE FAMILY] Virus warning > jdbgmgr.exe is listed as a hoax on the virus hoaxes sites. Thought every > one might want to check it out before going through all those changes. > > Pat > Las Vegas > > > ==== FOLKLORE Mailing List ==== > "Folklore Family" Listresses > Missi Richiele3@aol.com & Kath Mzmouser@attbi.com > »§«:*´`³¤³´´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§« > >

My friend cathy received some thing similar for mothers day from her oldest son kevin, this is from duncan, for those who dont know he is 4 years old, and is in pre-kindergarten. This came in a pink folder with duncans hand prints in purple. All About Mom My moms eyes are black, and her hair is red. She is 8 years old. She was born in the year 90. My mom is 16 feet tall, and weights 20 pounds. Her favorite color is purple. My moms favorite food is Casserole and her favorite ice cream is banana split. She likes to go to the stores. The very best thing in the whole world about my mom is that she lets us have treats. love, Duncan.

jdbgmgr.exe is listed as a hoax on the virus hoaxes sites. Thought every one might want to check it out before going through all those changes. Pat Las Vegas

URGENT! The bill to restrict access to California births and deaths passed, and it is certain to be signed by the governor. That means that if VitalSearch can keep their database on-line, it might be the only way we can obtain much of the info we genealogists and historians need. I don't know if VitalSearch is California based and I hope it is based outside of California. Surely California legislators have no control over the internet - especially if out of state? I sent a message to Vital Search about this and urging them to keep the info on-line for us. I urge all of you to do the same. If they go off-line, we will lost our only access to the information we need. So please send a message to VitalSearch telling them that we need them to keep the CA births and deaths on-line. And tell everyone you have contact with to do the same. It's our last hope. To send email message to VitalSearch, click on the line below for their emil form to use. http://www.vitalsearch-ca.com/gen/mailform.htm Pat Childs

Virus name:   JDBGMGR.EXE. Status:   Hoax. Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 2002] > > I got this message about a virus that can produce lot of dammage [sic] to > your computer. If you follow the instructions which are very easy, you > would be able to "clean" your computer. Apparently the virus spreads > through the adresses book . I got it, then may be I passed it to you too, > sorry. The name of the virus is jdbgmgr.exe and is transmitted > automatically through the Messanger and addresses book of the OUTLOOK. The > virus is neither detected by Norton nor by Mc Afee. It remains in lethargy > ("sleeping") for 14 days and even more, before it destroys the whole > system. It can be eliminated during this period. The steps for the > elimination of the virus are the following: 1. go to START and click FIND > 2. in "FILES andFOLDERS" write: jdbgmgr.exe 3. be sure that it searches in > "C" 4. click SEARCH NOW 5. if the virus appears (with icon of a small bear) > and the name"jdbgmgr.exe" . don't open it !!! in any case !!! 6. click the > right button of the mouse and destroy it 7. emty the recyclage bin If you > find the virus in your computer please send this mail to all the people in > your addresses book . thanks. > Origins:   Like the <A HREF="http://www.snopes2.com/computer/virus/sulfnbk.htm">SULFNBK.EXE</A> hoax, this bogus virus warning (also known as the "Bear Virus") attempts to lure gullible users into deleting perfectly innocuous, standard Windows files from their systems. In this case the target file is JDBGMGR.EXE, which is the Microsoft Debugger Registrar for Java program. It is included as part of a standard Windows installation, is not a virus, and should not be deleted.   (The icon for this file is a graphic of a bear like the one shown to the left.) See the links below for more information on the JDBGMGR.EXE hoax: »§««:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«<*}}><FI§HY><))*>«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§« Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for FISH Richiele 'Marie YAHOO Messenger kissy_fishy »§««:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«<*}}><FI§HY><))*>«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«

do not delete it was not a virus! IT IS A A WINDOWS OPERATION SYSTEMS THING »§««:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«<*}}><FI§HY><))*>«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§« Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for FISH Richiele 'Marie YAHOO Messenger kissy_fishy »§««:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«<*}}><FI§HY><))*>«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«

> >Don't know if this is helpful, but someone I know sent me this, and i > thought > >i'd send it out!! > > > >This e-mail bug originated from someone elses computer and is finding it's > >way to most everyones computer via e-mail. I found it on mine before it > had > >a chance to launch itself. Better safe than sorry! Just follow the > >directions to get rid of it and you'll be ok. > > > > > > > >This was sent to me as a warning > > > > >Subj: Infected address book > > > > > > > > > >Hi everybody: > > > > >I just received a message today from one of my > > > >friends in my Address Book. Their Address Book had > > > >been infected by a virus and it was passed on to my > > > >computer. My Address Book, in turn, has been infected. > > > >The virus (called jdbgmgr.exe) is not detected by > > > >Norton or McAfee anti-virus systems. The virus sits > > > >quietly for 14 days before damaging the system. It's > > > >sent automatically by the messenger and by the Address > > > >Book, whether or not you sent emails to your contacts. > > > >I have checked, found it, and deleted it. Here's how > > > >to check for the virus and how to get rid of it: > > > > >DO THIS: > > > > >1. Go to start, Find or Search option. > > > > >2. In the files/folder option, write the name > > > >jdbgmgr.exe > > > > >3. Be sure you search your C: drive > > > > >4. click "find now" > > > > >5. the virus has a teddy bear icon with the name > > > >jdbgmgr.exe > > > > >DO NOT OPEN IT > > > > >6. Right click and delete it. It will then go to the > > > >Recycle Bin > > > > >7. Go to the Recycle Bin and delete it there as well. > > > > > > > > >IF YOU FIND THE VIRUS, YOU MUST CONTACT ALL THE > > > >PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK SO THEY CAN ERADICATE IT > > > > »§««:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«<*}}><FI§HY><))*>«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§« Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for FISH Richiele 'Marie YAHOO Messenger kissy_fishy »§««:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«<*}}><FI§HY><))*>«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«

This really touched my heart. My Grandmother passed away last June, and the thing I remember best about her funeral was all of her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids sitting around at dinner and talking about our memories about her. She was a wonderful woman who left us all an incredible inheritance. I still catch myself using phrases and words that she used to say. _______________________________________ Get Your Free Personal Email at: http://www.sa360.com

does this scare the pants off of ya'll too~? kath NEW SCIENTIST - NEWSFLASH -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anthrax attack bug "identical" to army strain The DNA sequence of the anthrax sent through the US mail in 2001 has been revealed and confirms suspicions that the bacteria originally came from a US military laboratory. The data released uses codenames for the reference strains against which the attack strain was compared. But New Scientist can reveal that the two reference strains that appear identical to the attack strain most likely originated at the US Army Medical Research Institute for Infectious Diseases at Fort Detrick, Maryland. To read the full story go to: http://www.ProcessRequest.com/apps/redir.asp?link=XbddhjdiDE,ZbjhdjeeigFB&oi d=UcjjbCB

Country Dammit Doll Click here to see http://www.thefamilycorner.com/jpg2/dammit.jpg This little country doll is a great comfort gift for someone you care about, or an adorable addition to any room in your home. You will need FOR THE DOLL country floral fabric (half of a yard should do it!) doll pattern white yarn darning needle Fiberfil curled jute sewing needle thread to match fabric 6 buttons to coordinate with the fabric 2 flat backed black eyes fabric glue large unpainted wood button scrap of blue gingham fabric for neck bow FOR THE CONTAINER 12" cylindrical papier mache container acrylic paint in antique white, light brown, and country blue crackle medium paintbrush household sponge or sponge scrap curled jute rusty tin button blue gingham fabric scrap white tacky glue black fine tip craft pen ruler scrap piece of paper pen or pencil What you do THE DOLL Bodice To begin, print out the doll pattern and cut two pieces from country floral fabric, RIGHT side of fabric facing out. This doll is sewn on the outside, rather than sewn and turned inside out. This gives it a more primitive country look. Using a darning needle and white yarn, begin at the top/center of the head and sew downward, all the way around the doll until you get to the other side of the neck. Pause here to stuff the doll with Fiberfil, using the eraser end of a pencil to gently push the stuffing into the arms and legs. Complete the stuffing of the doll's head and sew shut, knot off. Embellishments Using a length of curled jute (can be purchased in the craft store where doll hair is sold), cut into 1 1/2" pieces. For each piece, fray the ends halfway, leaving the other half curled. Use a sewing needle and thread to sew the curled end of the jute pieces to the top of the head, frayed end should be pointing upward for the hair. You will need around 6 or 7 pieces of jute to complete the hair. Sew 3 buttons to the front of the hair, in the center, and 3 to the back, running thread through two buttons at once (one in back, one in front). Cut a strip of blue gingham fabric and fray the ends. Tie around doll's neck and secure with a couple of threads. Use fabric glue to adhere eyes to the doll's face. Sew wood button to the front of the doll's body. THE CONTAINER Paint the papier mache cylinder and lid with a coat of antique white acrylic paint and allow to dry completely. Following the directions on the crackle medium, apply a coat of crackle medium over the antique white, and allow to dry according to the manufacturer's directions (usually 15-45 minutes, or until tacky but not completely dry). Finish with a coat of light brown, again, follow the directions on the crackle medium! Use single brush strokes, DO NOT brush over and over, you will lose the crackle effect. Allow to dry completely. For the lid, cut a piece of blue gingham fabric long enough to fit around the lid, fray and tie. Trim and fray the ends. Use tacky glue to secure the fabric to the lid. Tie a piece of curled jute around the lid over the fabric, tie in place, secure with tacky glue. Gently thread a rusty tin button with the jute, and tie, ends should hang downward. When the light brown coat is dry, use the household sponge to apply an oval shape to the front of your cylinder using antique white. The oval should cover most of the length of the container, leaving about an inch at the bottom and the top (below the lid). Sponge a light border of country blue around the outer edge of your oval. Using a piece of scrap paper and a pen or pencil, sketch out the poem listed below to ensure that you can fit it all on your oval. You can use a ruler to approximate how much area you have to work with. Use a craft pen to write on the poem when you are comfortable with it. DAMMIT DOLL When you want to climb the wall, And stand right up and shout. There's a little Dammit doll You cannot do without. Just grasp it firmly by the legs, And find a place to slam it. And as you whack the stuffing out Yell Dammit, Dammit, Dammit! If Dammit's not a word you say Then twist its little neck And grumble out repeatedly Oh Heck, Oh Heck, Oh Heck! And once your done abusing it Just sit it on the shelf. But hug it first, as I'd hug you If I were there myself. Note: Carefully stuff container with some light tissue paper before placing doll inside. You may need to tuck your doll's arms in a bit to fit her in. Cover her with a bit more tissue paper and cover with the lid.

Q U I C K T I P: Cleaning Oven Racks To remove the cooked on gunk from oven racks without scrubbing, take a dark large trash bag, add 1 cup ammonia, place the racks inside, tie up and place in the sun for a few hours. The gunk will soften and be easily wiped off. Check out more tips in our new Virtual Tipbook! http://www.thefamilycorner.com/cgi-bin/tips.cgi

snitched from another list kath Could *That* be Me~??! When I was young and carefree, I thought I'd never see A gray hair or a wrinkle Oh how wrong I was to be. I didn't think my rear would fall Or other parts would sag But as I wake up each new day, I've less about to brag. Some days when the clock alarms And it's time to hit the floor I roll over and slide out of bed Cause every joint I have is sore. I have so many aches and pains And I just don't know why My mind says, "You can do anything!" My body begs "Please don't try". At times I feel I'm thirty, And my kids are still in their teens But to keep my age in perspective, I need only to slip on my jeans. I have to lie down to get them zipped. When it's done, I can't catch my breath. I feel I look chic when wearing those jeans, But it's not worth a premature death. I then dig out my comfortable sweats They have elastic all the way round. I now can breathe and walk like I should, With a smile and not with a frown. I had heard of "senior moments" I thought I would never have one. Either I'm finally considered a senior Or I'm staying too long in the sun. I'm stunned when I look in the mirror. I think, "Could that really be me?" Cause it surely looks like my own mother did When "I" was just forty-three. ~Author~ Emily McAdams ©Copyright Jan. 2002

Ever wonder why A B C D E F are used to define bra sizes? Well now you know. A - Almost Boobs B - Barely there C - Can Do D - Damn good E - Enormous F - Fake .·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·. *: * Richiele * * *·. .·* `*·-:¦:-*´ ³´`*:»§«:*´`³