THE FOX WITHOUT A TAIL An Aesop Fable A fox lost his tail in escaping from a steel trap. When he began to go about again, he found that every one looked down upon or laughed at him. Not liking this, he thought to himself that if he could persuade the other foxes to cut off their tails, his own loss would not be so noticeable. Accordingly he called together the foxes and said: "How is it that you still wear your tails? Of what use are they? They are in the way, they often get caught in traps, they are heavy to carry and not pretty to look upon. Believe me, we are far better without them. Cut off your tails, my friends, and you will see how much more comfortable it is. I for my part have never enjoyed myself so much nor found life so pleasant as I have since I lost mine." Upon this, a sly old fox, seeing through the trick, cried, "It seems to me, my friend, that you would not be so anxious for us to cut off our tails, if you had not already lost yours."

DOGGY DICTIONARY: 1.. LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. 2.. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. 3.. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. 4.. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. 5.. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. 6.. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. 7.. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. 8.. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. 9.. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. 10.. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. 11.. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. 12.. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. 13.. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above. 14.. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Old Dog June Goodrich PWCCA Newsletter, March 1977 Old dog. Why do you stay so near? Go lie in the sun and drowse. You needn't follow my every step, And jump up when I appear. Your joints are stiff; You've earned a rest; Lived your life well; Passed every test. And now you're very dear. Old dog. Why do you stay so near? You lie close to my side Each time I pause, Head in my lap, alert to hear Every nuance of my voice. You long ago made your choice And never once looked to the rear. Old dog. Why do you stay so near? What is it that you hear? A far-off call, coming closer, That I, too, know is there? With each day our time together Draws nearer to its end. Please stay a while, old friend!

Warning: Profanity Western Tale The Piano Man, by J.D. Romanow --- He was dusty, covered with the white dust you get from riding over the dry lands around here. His boots were worn, and if he'd asked for a free meal, well I may not be the Lord but I probably would have provided. He walked up to the bar, stiff from too long in the saddle, and asked for a rye. "I got chili on in back. Bowl of that too?" I asked as I poured the whisky. He nodded, wrapping work-thickened fingers around his drink. He wasn't in need of conversation, and I had better things to do, so I brought a bowl of the chili out and left him to it. He picked up the bowl and carried it to a table just inside the door, where he sat with his back to the wall. He sat still, and if he was another man, I might have thought he was thanking the good Lord for his bounty. But his head stayed up and his eyes looked around like he doubted providence was on his side. He shifted his holster on to the top of his thigh with his right hand and picked up the spoon with his left, and lowered his head to eat. There was something about the gesture, the moving of his holster that triggered a memory. I couldn't quite catch it, but I knew then I knew him from somewhere, somewhere way back. Mind you as a bartender you meet everybody sooner or later. It is not unusual to see some one you sold a drink to once or twice and think you knew them. And it isn't all that rare to see someone you came across years ago and take hours to figure out why you know them. Tending bar is kind of like being a preacher. Your flock comes and goes, rising and falling in prosperity; sometimes they start as trail hands and end as bosses, sometimes they leave your bar a boss and reappear ten years later as a bum with shaking hands in bad need of cheap whisky. Looking at him there was nothing to remarkable in his dress. If you hadn't met his type before you might have thought he was just another busted cowboy. But no hungry poke ever took his eyes off his food. This one, his eyes never stopped moving. Half hidden by the brim of his hat they were watching me, the door, the windows. He wasn't jumpy but he sure wasn't taking anything for granted. And you didn't have to be General Lee to know he had picked his seat to get the lie of the land on you. His kind always have their back to a wall and a quick route out. You don't tend bar in the territories without getting to know men of his type. Maybe that was it: maybe it wasn't him I knew just someone like him. I studied on it some while wiping the glasses. However much I studied I couldn't come up with a name though. Eventually I turned my rag and my mind to other things. I don't have much of a place but I like it clean. When the wind blows in off the desert, it's a full time job keeping the grit out. I had just finished sweeping the worst of it and had turned to dusting bottles of the better stuff when a shadow flickered across the wall and my bar was suddenly full. It was only Tom Henderson and that bunch of young broncos he pals around with but at that age boys take up a lot of room; the five of them make enough noise for twice that number. "Whisky all round, Barkeep." Barkeep! As if I hadn't know the lad since he was in barely out of diapers. I kept to my polishing and gave young Tom a look. I may not spend my time blowing hell out of busted wheelbarrows in Dry Creek Canyon but I don't have to take lip from some kid. They giggled and nudged each other, and finally Tom spoke again. "Mister Joad? You hear me? I said whisky all round!" Well, it wasn't much but it was probably the best I was going to get out of him. "You boys got any money? Whisky ain't free." And I'll be goddamned if the Henderson boy didn't slap a gold eagle on the bar. "That enough for you barkeep? A bottle of your best! And keep the change." There was a challenging light I never saw before in Tom Henderson's eye. His success with those poor half-by-half prospectors had done more to him than I expected. He was keyed up like a mustang before a thunderstorm. I set a bottle of my good rye on the bar in front of them and followed it with the tin mugs. They might be able to afford the good whisky but I wasn't going to trust these kids with anything breakable. It was hell packing glassware in to these parts. The silver wasn't rich enough for us to have the kind of suppliers you see up in Denver or over to Carson City. I had to order and ship things on my own hook, and let me tell you a bull whacker wants damn near a wagon full of silver before he will be bothered with a load of glass and china. Tom poured the rye into the mugs and they all fell to clanking their cups together and giggling and nudging each other. You would have thought they were still in school way they were carrying on. I stuck the eagle in my poke and carefully counted out the change on the bar. "Din't you here me old man? I said keep it!" Henderson grinned at me and tossed off his mug of rye. "Plenty more where that came from." "I never had no part in blood money and I never will, Tom Henderson." Well they all fell to laughing at my words, but Tom picked up the silver off the bar and pocketed it, turning his back to me and leaning against the bar. Kids got no manners these days. Maybe he was right. Maybe I am an old man. But I knew what Comstock was up to when he hired that boy. Boys that age don't know what they're getting into. They shoot first and think later. I doubted Tom Henderson would ever learn to think at all. Comstock wanted people to be afraid, and he knew it wouldn't be too long before Henderson got them that way. And if some old bull decided not to take any guff from the kid, it was no skin off Comstock's back. Either the kid would make it or he'd be a cheap corpse. Hiring somebody like Earp would cost real money, and Harry Comstock never paid with a nickel without first trying to buy with a penny. Well it wasn't too long before Tom and his friends decided to include the stranger in their jollification. He just looked up from under his hat and looked back down at his chili. Tom took a stride across the room towards the stranger. I wasn't sure what he intended but he stopped cold when the stranger's head snapped up. There was a click, loud in the sudden quiet, as the spoon hit the table. The stranger's hand stayed beside the spoon on the table. His right was out of sight in his lap. Tom and the stranger looked at each other for a moment. I could see Tom's back tense. He was thinking about his gun so bad he might as well as asked one of his pals to hand it to him. The stranger never showed no sign of anything. He just sat there, and you can bet he saw where every single gun hand in that room was. He broke the stillness then. His left hand drummed the table top once, like it was playing a piano. It was then I knew who he was. It was back in Kansas, close on to fifteen years ago. He'd just been a gawky kid back then. Must have been close to fifty pounds lighter, and no beard of course. Being a man now and in work clothes you'd never recognize him. His mamma always kept him dressed up then, with fine white shirts and pants and frock coats like the swells wore to church. Of course you had to dress up if you were going to be on the stage. He played the piano in the Rancher's Club and the better hotels. Back then I tended bar in the old Rancher's. This was back when the railhead and the trail drivers met and the streets were awash in gold. Some nights I made more in tips than I do in a whole week now. I remember the first time his mamma brought him round for us to hear. Nobody really believed a kid that age could play a piano, but the owner was a good sort and willing to give him a try. There wasn't no one to speak of in the club that time of day. I was just starting my afternoon shift, making sure all the bottles were handy and what not. The kid didn't say a word while his mamma sang his praises. Finally he just sat down in front of the keys and looked at them. I felt real sorry for him then. He looked like he was praying to the Lord for help. If he was praying it surely wasn't for help. I don't believe that boy ever asked anybody for help in his entire life, unless maybe it was that Texican. He leaned forward, and kind of hunched his shoulders and held his hands like claws over the piano for a second. Then his hands moved so fast they were only a blur. My god but that kid could play! Well he was the wonder of the Club for quite a while after that. I kind of saw him grow up. His mamma had lived in a hotel when they first came to town, but she had moved out to the nice part of town once it was clear that the club and hotels could pay enough. That didn't stop her from coming round to walk home with him after his night's work. She couldn't come in to the bar to hear him on account of her not being that sort of woman. Well this sort of thing - her coming by to walk home with him I mean - it didn't sit too well with the rougher element his age. It wasn't too long before some of the local boys who wanted to be thought of as tough started calling him a mamma's boy. They took to thumping him on his way to the Club. If he fought they beat him, him being outnumbered; and if he ran they chased him. It probably would have ended with a couple of fist fights, except for one of those Texicans. He was just another one of the cowboys that come up the trail. He stayed at the Club so he must have been a trail boss, but other than that - and his love of music, of course - I have no real recollection of him. That Texican, he purely loved to hear that kid play. He would pull up a chair near the piano, his hat in his lap like he was in church, whenever the kid and his piano were going at it. Well one day that Texican was having a cigar in the lobby, when the kid came tearing up into the Club. The other boys stopped on the street jeering and panting. The Texican he didn't say anything at all he just stood and watched. I wouldn't have thought much of it, normally. But you know how things are in a trail town. After a while you kind of get the scent of what ever is going on. Not long after the kid being chased into the club, I was out riding to a camp outside of town. I heard some shooting so I kind of cautious like wandered over to see what was happening. The Texican and the kid were in the bottom of one of those breaks you get out in South Kansas and the Texican was tossing cans in the air for the kid to shoot. I didn't stay watching long, but it was pretty clear the kid had the knack. I suppose I should have figgered things out then, and maybe gone to the sheriff. Of course the sheriff, he should have known better without me sticking my shovel in the pile. He should have reined the local toughs before things got out of control. It could only end bad. I guess nobody thought how bad. Jerry Barnette? Varnedde? Something like that, he was the leader of that pack of brats. He saw the kid outside a store one noon and he scooped up a horse chip and threw it. What he didn't see was the kid's mamma was standing right there. Jerry's aim wasn't too good and he spattered the poor woman pretty bad. The kid didn't come flying at Jerry like you would have thought. I guess it was then that we all should have known. He just straightened up, his face frozen, and demanded an apology. Well that just got a horselaugh. "Hoors an' shit belong together." Jerry scoffed. The idlers were starting to pay attention, kids yelling at each other being more interesting than a dog fight and a little less fun than a horse race. Still you never knew when they'd start swinging and then you could get some money down. That was all anybody was expecting; nobody expected to see anything except Jerry bloodying another boy's lip. "My mother is no whore! You take that back or you'll pay!" "What you gonna do? Shoot me?" Jerry addressed his remark to the crowd, looking around with a smirk to the guffaws and cries of "You tell 'm Jerry." Looking back on it now it still seems like harmless kid stuff. It was too, until the kid snaked out a pistol from under his frock coat. Well people started screaming and diving for cover, and Jerry just stood there too shocked to do anything. "You apologize now or I'll shoot you like the dog you are!" Then some goddamned stupid rancher got in on the act and demanded that Jerry be armed. Another one took the kid's mamma away where she couldn't interfere. What with all these folks supervising it wasn't long before the boys were marched outside of town limits and set up for a real duel. I'll say this for Jerry. He wasn't scared. I guess he was too boneheaded to figure something had changed. He stood up to the kid like he was sure to win. It's a funny thing watching a duel. Sometimes folks cheer and hurrah the winner. Sometimes they just stand around looking solemn. That's what they did this time while Jerry was crying on the ground, his boots digging into the grass. The kid put four shots into him. Jerry's gun went off into the dirt. I expected the kid to be bothered, maybe throw up or something. He just stood their with his gun pointed somewhere between him and Jerry, with not a drop of sympathy on his face. When the good Lord handed out mercy he overlooked the kid. He holstered his gun, once it was obvious Jerry wasn't going to get up, turned, and walked away. It took Jerry the better part of a day to die. After that the kid played the piano with the gun on and visible. He would hitch it up on his thigh like he had when he sat down to eat his chili, and attack the keyboard like nothing had changed. About a month after his duel with Jerry, a drunk trail driver made light of the kid's playing. The driver at least got a shot off in the general direction of the kid, but he died quicker than Jerry, being shot in the head. There was some muttering after that head shot. Some folks believed that the driver was already down, and some held he was still falling when the kid blew his brains out. It was clear no matter how you cut it that a duel with the kid was serious business. It was about then that his mother stopped walking to meet him after work. Three corpses later the sheriff asked him to move on. I heard of a couple more duels before I lost track of the kid. Rumour was that if you needed somebody to die, the kid was available as a duellist. If I ever spent any time pondering on him, I would have figgered him dead. Hired killer isn't a job you expect to grow old in. Looking at him now it was clear he hadn't been playing much piano since then. He looked pretty much like you'd expect a man that has survived the better part of two decades as a shootist, to look. I imagine he found more than one name useful. I don't know what he got paid for his work but he either spent it on fast women and cards or left it in the bank somewhere. He looked like a chair with the bark still on it: serviceable, but nothing you would want to set in front of the womenfolk. I don't know for sure what the outcome would have been if Tom Henderson had kept at his foolishness. The stranger was a lot older now, and your hands lose speed as you age. All the great duellists were kids. But what I seen of Tom, he was never more than passably handy with a gun. The stranger, he surprised me about then. He put his right hand up on the table along side the other. "You look like you have something to celebrate son." Tom didn't relax. The look that had stopped him dead just didn't fit with the friendly comment. "I ain't your son!" he blazed. Very slowly the stranger got to his feet. He picked up his chili bowl in one hand and his empty glass in his other, and walked directly toward Tom. If I hadn't seen what happened next I never would have believed you could do it. Mind you, the kid had some of the fastest hands I ever did see. Even so, you don't expect to see that kind of speed with the muscle needed to hold up a hundred and forty pounds of startled boy. When the stranger stepped towards Tom, he jumped like a scalded cat, trying for some room and clutching at his holster whilst he did. He should have been more worried about his balance. As he jumped, his heel caught on the dirt and he staggered, starting to fall. The stranger took one step forward, put his glass and bowl on a nearby table and caught the boy with one smooth motion of his right arm. For a moment Tom hung there from the stranger's extended arm, his feet scrabbling against the dirt floor till he was planted. He straightened up, and as the stranger let him go, Tom was the boy who had been terrorizing sparrows a few short years back. "Thanks mister." he said before he could think about it. After that the ice was broken. The stranger had a rye with the boys and they moved on to hurrah some other establishment, leaving us two old geezers behind. I poured another rye into the stranger's glass. "On the house." I said. "Been a few years, hasn't it?" The stranger just looked at me. "Rancher's Club. Kansas territory." I said. "Tended bar there when you played piano." He looked at me, for a second as if he didn't remember. "You ever play since?" "No. Haven't played a note since then." We drank in silence. After a few minutes he shoved himself back from the bar. "Guess I'll be moving on." he walked to the door, but paused and turned before leaving. "That boy, he get his money honestly?" "Hired by Comstock, to protect his mine. He's run off a couple of miners that Comstock thought were fossicking too close to his claims." I said, that being as close as I was going to get to explaining the local politics. The stranger eyed the floor for a second, as if he want to ask something more. He looked up at me, when I cleared my throat. It may be an old man's fancy but I thought the talk of the Rancher's Club and meeting Tom made him regretful, like maybe he knew he had made a mistake way back when. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask the stranger to talk some sense into the boy, but I doubt the Henderson boy would listen. Lord knows I never did at that age. Instead I asked the kind of damnfool question he must have heard from every eastern newshand and barfly from Texas to California. "Would you have killed him?" I asked. His expression changed then, and until I die I'll be haunted by the look in his eyes. They were as empty as the wind out of a canyon. "What do you think?" He turned and disappeared into the sunlight. I never saw him again. END

CyberRebate Goes Bust; Consumers Owed Millions http://www.consumerworld.org/ Thousands of consumers may have lost money in the first dotcom failure where average shoppers (rather than investors) became the victims. Since 1998, CyberRebate.com offered many goods "free after rebate". Trouble was it was the company footing the bill for the rebates, not manufacturers. Ultimately, prices had to be raised in some cases to eight to ten times normal retail to fund their operation. A Canon 2110 inkjet printer which most sellers offered for $65, they sold for $649... but it was "free after a $649 rebate". Thousands of consumers took the bait, and reportedly the company, which filed for bankruptcy protection last Wednesday, now owes them $80 million in rebates. If you are owed money, here are four strategies to help get a refund.

--part1_5f.1582423d.283e6e21_boundary Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Welcome to the: We thank Mike Carney (mc7600@cnsvax.albany.edu) for forwarding us the below list. We here at the Pit think its safe to say that if you can relate to any of the below statements, you should check yourself into a sanitarium ASAP! 1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. 2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. 3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom. 4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. 5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it. 6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits. 7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. 8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. 9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. 10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day. 11. You laugh out loud during funerals. 12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!" 13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. 14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. 15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. 16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion. 17. You collect dead windowsill flies. 18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" 19. You like cats. Especially with mayo. 20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things. 21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion. 22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. 23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. 24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. 25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. 26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn. 27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. 28. Melba toast excites you. 29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." 30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. 31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today." 32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. 33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia. 34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!" 35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. 36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. 37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. 38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough) 39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry. 40. You like reading lists like this. :) --part1_5f.1582423d.283e6e21_boundary Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit <HTML><FONT FACE=arial,helvetica><BODY BGCOLOR="#ffffff"><FONT SIZE=7>Welcome to the:</FONT><FONT COLOR="#000000" SIZE=3 FAMILY="SANSSERIF" FACE="Arial" LANG="0"> <BR> <BR> <BR><P ALIGN=CENTER>We thank Mike Carney (mc7600@cnsvax.albany.edu) for forwarding us the below <BR>list. We here at the Pit think its safe to say that if you can relate to any <BR>of the below statements, you should check yourself into a sanitarium ASAP! <BR><P ALIGN=LEFT> <BR> <BR>1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then <BR>you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. <BR>2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you <BR>wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. <BR>3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom. <BR>4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you <BR>mail from Iowa asking why you never write. <BR>5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve <BR>yourself on it. <BR>6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil <BR>dandruff spirits. <BR>7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting <BR>fire to his lawn decorations. <BR>8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. <BR>9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. <BR>10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day. <BR>11. You laugh out loud during funerals. <BR>12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!" <BR>13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through <BR>that scuba mask. <BR>14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped <BR>on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek <BR>revenge. <BR>15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. <BR>16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little <BR>illusion. <BR>17. You collect dead windowsill flies. <BR>18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" <BR>19. You like cats. Especially with mayo. <BR>20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things. <BR>21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion. <BR>22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they <BR>weren't rescued. <BR>23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. <BR>24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. <BR>25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. <BR>26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the <BR>middle of your front lawn. <BR>27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on <BR>it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. <BR>28. Melba toast excites you. <BR>29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to <BR>tell him, because "the napkins have ears." <BR>30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. <BR>31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to <BR>yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today." <BR>32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a <BR>few minutes. <BR>33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia. <BR>34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!" <BR>35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or <BR>to be loved by an infectious disease. <BR>36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend <BR>that you're a stalk. <BR>37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. <BR>38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough) <BR>39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a <BR>violation of your rights as a boysenberry. <BR>40. You like reading lists like this. :) <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR></P></P></FONT></HTML> --part1_5f.1582423d.283e6e21_boundary--

Things you NEVER want to hear You don't want to be sitting in your doctor's office and hear: "Well, Jim there is no reason that you shouldn't live another twenty or thirty years, however, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes." "Honey, its the police, they have a search warrant, and the three hundred kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room." "Honey, little Bobby wants to spend the night at the Neverland Ranch. "Sorry man, we're all out of beer." "I just want to be friends"

Signs That You Are Too Drunk 1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3.) Job interfering with your drinking. 4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8.) 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10.) You can focus better with one eye closed. 11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 12.) You fall off the floor... 13.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 14.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 15.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you 16.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 17.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 18.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... 19.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,Alcohol, and Women 20.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. 21.) Roseanne looks good. 22.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. 23.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again. 24.) Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 25.) "I'm as jober as a sudge." 26.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. 27.) You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

This area is meant to accompany the book "Life's Little Instruction Book" Most of the jokes contained in this area are original, and have been written by Chris Goldberg, Chris Gallagher or Doug Vance, the others have been collected from various sites on the Internet. In this area, you will find hints and tips that will help you lead a dangerous and destructive life! Let your son have a "sleep over" with Michael Jackson. Eat at Taco Bell as much as Laughing Pit Creators Doug and Chris do. Let Kurt Cobain be your role-model. Marry an ugly waste-of-life, complain a lot, do a lot of heroin, and then shoot yourself in your head Eat Holloween candy without it being thoroghly inspected by parents. Only look one way while crossing the road. Vote for Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Al Sharpton, Mario Cuomo, and other fools for public office Have unprotected, kinky sex with mokeys infected with the ebola virus. While on the 9th hole, playing golf with O.J. Simpson, ask him how his "arthritis" is. Take the Driver's Liscense test on CRACK! Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question, until physically restrained. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson Conspiriacy theories. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub" Cruise around the South Bronx, in your BMW Convertible, listening to Wu-Tung Clan's "Shame on a Nigga" at top volume. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Glue change to the floor at a Jewish Temple. Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it feels to be done with *your* final exams. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a discussion of the presidency of Millard Filmore. When dining out, engage in graphic discussions of medieval prostate surgery. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Drink 8 glasses of whiskey a day (as opposed to 8 glasses of water, who needs the stuff anyway)

>>>> 36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend > that you're a stalk. ROTFL~! :-) Thanks Laural~! :-) kath

** Free issue of Nature Conservancy Magazine ** Nature Conservancy is a bimonthly magazine published for our members, but we're offering non-members a chance to check it out too. Sign up for a free issue to see vibrant photos, and incredible stories about our latest conservation work, the plants and animals we encounter along the way, and much more. Our May/June '01 issue has great features, such as fire in the rain forest and prometheus unbound. But we don't want to spoil the surprise for you, so sign up for your free issue today. http://nature.org/fun_and_free/magazine.html

-/\/\----------------------------------------------------------------- \ / TODAY'S VERSE from HEARTLIGHT -- http://www.heartlight.org/ --\/------------------------------------------------------------------ May 24, 2001 VERSE: About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. -- Acts 16:25 http://www.StudyLight.org/desk/?query=Acts+16:25 THOUGHT: Falsely imprisoned, Paul and Silas had been beaten "with many blows," placed in prison, and locked down in stocks. Under such horrible circumstances, they managed to praise God in hymns and pray to their Father in Heaven. Under this kind of pressure, their faith caught the attention of the other prisoners who listened to them. We need to be reminded that over the years of Christian witness, some of the most effective times of evangelism happened because Christians remained faithful and joyous people despite persecution and harassment. Nothing should limit our prayer and praise. God will use them to reach the hearts of those in the most difficult of places! PRAYER: Holy Father, in times of adverse reaction against me because of my faith, I pray that you will make me a loving, respected, and forceful witness for Jesus. I ask this not so that I can boast, but so that others can more fully know your grace and come to Jesus to be saved. In the name of my Savior, Jesus, I pray. Amen. http://www.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/todaysverse.cgi?day=20010524 /--- COME MEET HEARTLIGHT ---------------------------------\ Join us live and in person in Austin, Texas for 3 days of praise, worship and technology! Hear Phil Ware, Paul Faulkner, Ken Young and Hallal and more! June 8-10 \------------- http://www.heartlight.org/conference2001 ---/ TODAY'S VERSE from HEARTLIGHT /\/\ ===============================================================\ /=== http://www.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/todaysverse.cgi \/ Today's Verse is written by Phil Ware <phil@heartlight.org> and is part of HEARTLIGHT Magazine, the leading Christian living e-zine on the Web. Visit HEARTLIGHT on the web for even more articles, plus music, devotionals and more for your Christian walk! http://www.heartlight.org ABOUT HEARTLIGHT: Heartlight, Inc. is a 501(c)(3) religious non-profit organization. Donations are welcome and tax-deductible! Find out how to help! http://www.heartlight.org/support STAFF: Paul Lee, Co-editor/Webmaster, webminister@heartlight.org Phil Ware, Co-editor, phil@heartlight.org Frank Cloutier, Executive Director, frank@heartlight.org Jeff Garrison, Site Developer, jeff@heartlight.org Ben Steed, Boards Administrator, ben@heartlight.org HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? It's FREE! To subscribe send a blank email to: join-todaysverse@lists.heartlight.org

Today is Thursday, May 24th, the 144th day of 2001. There are 221 days left in the year. Today's Highlight in History: On May 24th, 1819, Queen Victoria was born in London. On this date: In 1830, the first passenger railroad in the United States began service between Baltimore and Elliott's Mills, Maryland. In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message, "What hath God wrought!" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line. In 1881, some 200 people died when the Canadian ferry "Princess Victoria" sank near London, Ontario. In 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge, linking Brooklyn and Manhattan, was opened to traffic. In 1941, the German battleship "Bismarck" sank the British dreadnought "Hood" in the North Atlantic. In 1962, astronaut Scott Carpenter became the second American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard "Aurora Seven." In 1976, Britain and France opened transatlantic Concorde service to Washington. In 1977, in a surprise move, the Kremlin ousted Soviet President Nikolai Podgorny from the Communist Party's ruling Politburo. In 1980, Iran rejected a call by the World Court in The Hague to release the American hostages. In 1995, former British Prime Minister Harold Wilson died in London at age 79. Ten years ago: Israel began airlifting 15,000 Ethiopian Jews to safety as Ethiopian rebels continued to advance on Addis Ababa. The UN Security Council voted unanimously to deplore Israel's deportation of four Palestinians from the occupied territories. The remains of former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi, assassinated by a suicide bomber, were cremated. Five years ago: President Clinton underwent his annual physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center, where he had a precancerous lesion removed from his nose. On the plus side, his weight was the same as the year before -- 216 -- and his cholesterol count had improved from 203 to 191. One year ago: Israeli troops pulled out unilaterally from south Lebanon, ending 18 years of occupation. Gunmen killed five people in a robbery attempt at a Wendy's restaurant in Queens, New York. The state of Maryland dismissed its wiretapping case against Linda Tripp after judge disallowed most of Monica Lewinsky's testimony. Isiah Thomas, Bob McAdoo and Tennessee women's coach Pat Summitt were elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Today's Birthdays: Comedian Tommy Chong is 63. Singer Bob Dylan is 60. Actor Gary Burghoff is 58. Singer Patti LaBelle is 57. Actress Priscilla Presley is 56. Country singer Mike Reid is 54. Actor Alfred Molina is 48. Singer Rosanne Cash is 46. Actress Kristin Scott Thomas is 41. Actor-dancer Gene Anthony Ray is 38. Rock musician Vivian Trimble is 38. Actor John C. Reilly is 36. Actor Eric Close is 34. Rapper-recording executive Heavy D is 34. Rock musician Rich Robinson (The Black Crowes) is 32. Actor Billy L. Sullivan is 21. Actor-rapper Big Tyme is 18. Country singer Billy Gilman is 13. "It is the weakness and danger of republics, that the vices as well as virtues of the people are represented in their legislation." -- Helen Maria Hunt Jackson, American author (1830-1885). (Copyright 2001 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

> Dates when laws were passed requiring > Birth & Death registrations: > > State Death Birth > ________________________________ > Alabama 1908 1908 > Alaska 1913 1913 > Arizona 1909 1909 > Arkansas 1914 1914 > California 1905 1905 > Colorado 1907 1907 > Connecticut 1897 1897 > Delaware 1881 1881 > D.C. 1855 1871 > Florida 1915 1915 > Georgia 1919 1919 > Hawaii 1896 1896 > Idaho 1911 1911 > Illinois 1916 1916 > Indiana 1882 1882 > Iowa 1880 1880 > Kansas 1911 1911 > Kentucky 1911 1911 > Louisiana 1914 1914 > Maine 1892 1892 > Maryland 1898 1898 > Massachusetts 1841 1841 > Michigan 1867 1867 > Minnesota 1900 1900 > Mississippi 1912 1912 > Missouri 1910 1910 > Montana 1907 1907 > Nebraska 1905 1905 > Nevada 1911 1911 > New Hampshire 1905 1905 > New Jersey 1848 1848 > New Mexico 1919 1919 > New York 1880 1880 > North Carolina 1913 1913 > North Dakota 1908 1908 > Ohio 1909 1909 > Oklahoma 1908 1908 > Oregon 1903 1903 > Pennsylvania 1906 1906 > Puerto Rico 1931 1931 > Rhode Island 1852 1852 > South Carolina 1915 1915 > South Dakota 1905 1905 > Tennessee 1914 1914 > Texas 1903 1903 > Utah 1905 1905 > Vermont 1857 1857 > Virginia 1912 1912 > Washington 1907 1907 > West Virginia 1917 1917 > Wisconsin 1907 1907 > Wyoming 1909 1909

Tip on Buying Bread I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers do have different colored twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday!! When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness. Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday - Blue Tuesday - Green Thursday - Red Friday - White Saturday - Yellow So today being Thursday, I wanted a red twist tie --not white which is Friday (almost a week old?) The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember. But I put a post-it note in my wallet when I first found out about this so I would not forget. Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.

There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold Avon. One day the lady was walking down a street selling her Avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell. In this little red house lived a little red man. He was having a bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring. "There goes my doorbell!" he said to himself as he clambered out of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door. But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell off. The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car coming down the road hit her and she died. Moral: Never cross the street when the little red man is flashing.

NASA Science News for May 23, 2001 9:00:00 AM Farmers will soon have a new tool for getting the most out of their fields. NASA's Aqua satellite will provide crucial information about the water in the ground and the weather on the horizon. FULL STORY at http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2001/ast23may_1.htm?list489379 ---

Rainbow Bridge Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to some- one here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water, and sunshine and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who have been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; his eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly, he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together... -- Anon. --

This is nuts! Enjoy!! http://www.nobodyhere.com/justme/nose.html

Floral Traditions and Trends by Kathryn Lemmon Nothing quite captures the romance of a couple joining together in matrimony like the beauty and sensuous scents of nature's magnificent creations, flowers. But, more than just decoration, flowers set the tone and make a personal statement about the couple. For centuries we have associated different flowers with the emotions which underscore the union of two souls - the rose has always symbolized the love between two individuals, for example. Blossoms and greenery have adorned churches, homes, gardens and parks, enhancing the backdrop where lovers wed. But, the bridal bouquet remains the real focal point for the bride and the florist. Strict rules about bouquets have all but vanished, leaving brides free to design any sort of arrangement they prefer. Flowers are no longer limited to white or cream, although pale blossoms are often chosen because they fit the spirit of the occasion and don't draw attention from the bride. Fall weddings inspire even bolder palettes. For example, burgundy roses arranged with pale, peach-colored blooms make for a stunning and very romantic bouquet. Other color additions include a touch of blue or lavender. Lilacs and hydrangea are popular choices. Red roses and poinsettias remain popular for holiday weddings. One recent trend has been to simply hand-tie a mass of like-colored roses with ribbon so they look graceful, yet unpretentious. This simple, elegant look has been extremely popular for the past several years and gives the bride more of a natural appearance, as if she just stepped from the garden. Another new approach is a herb bouquet. An herb bouquet, which also contains flowers, might include a combination of sage, lemon balm, lavender, rosemary, orchids and twigs. It smells lovely and will make a wonderful keepsake. Experts say the choice of your wedding bouquet depends a great deal on the style of your gown. For instance, a bride dressed in Victorian-inspired white lace might select an old-fashioned cluster of sweetheart roses and violets for the bouquet. On the other hand, a bride in a country-style gown might want a more casual profusion of wildflowers and daisies. The most traditional and formal bouquets, however, are usually all white. However, white bouquets can include a bit of fern or ivy for color. The bouquet size should also be in proportion to the bride. Too large an arrangement will overpower and clutter the look of the bride. Florists advise against making a firm decision on flowers too early in the planning process. As the bride will probably attend weddings and get many ideas from wedding publications, it can be premature to select flowers a year in advance. Color schemes change and ideas change often over a year's time, which can lead to confusion. Four to six months prior to the wedding is usually a better time frame. It's helpful to a florist if the brides bring in photos (or other visual aids) of the floral arrangements they like, as well as samples of dress fabrics of the bride and attendants. Florists are now seeing a trend toward having flower decorations at all phases of a wedding, from the ceremony to the reception. Some florists will move flower arrangements from the ceremony sites to the reception sites, then rearrange existing displays into centerpieces or use them to embellish doors, tables, stages, or other areas. Bridesmaids, mothers, the groom and groomsmen should all wear flower styles which match the theme of the wedding and the bridal bouquet. Bridesmaid flowers should not upstage the bride's ensemble, but it is recommended that the maid of honor have a larger bouquet with a distinct arrangement. Most popular flowers are associated with a desirable quality. The list below includes some flowers and their special meaning. > Apple blossoms - good fortune > Baby's breath - pure heart > Bluebell - constancy > Blue Violet - faithfulness > Daffodil - joy > Gardenia - joy > Gladiolus - generosity > Iris - wisdom > Lily of the Valley - happiness > Magnolia - nobility > Orange blossom - purity and fertility > Orchid - beauty > Rose - deep love > White daisy - innocence