PENRITH HERALD and EAST CUMBERLAND and WESTMORLAND NEWS. NO. 438-Sixth Week in Quarter Registered for Transmission Abroad. SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1874. PRICE 1D. FACTS AND FACETIAE. THE first law of gravity is said to be, never laugh at your own jokes. AN INDIANA jury recently returned a verdict of "blode to pieces by a biler busting." THE happiest man in the world is the man who has just wealth enough to keep him in spirits, and enough children to make him industrious. A GENTLEMAN when making his will, added a clause that his wife should marry again, which he explained was to ensure "that he would have one person at least to daily deplore his death." AN eminent physician in Danbury has discovered that it is not healthy for men to rise before eight o'clock. Wives may safely rise at seven and start the fire as heretofore. A FRENCH custom-house officer of an enquiring turn of mind, noticing the arrival of a large herd of rocking horses, wanted to find out what the animals lived on. He opened several and found their stomachs full of cigars. A RECENT visitor to Rhode Island has made the discovery that NAPOLEON was mistaken when he said "that Providence was on the side of the heaviest artillery," for the heaviest artillery is at Fort Adams, and Providence is on the other side. A RECENT English writer says that drunkenness is an affair of climate; the people of all damp and cold countries are apt to drink more than is good for them; and a geographer might divide a map of the world into "temperate" and "intemporate" zones. BROWN relates the following bit of conversation he had with an acquaintance. He said he used to write for a paper, and meeting an editor one day, the editor said he would like something from his pen. "What do you think I sent him ?" "Give it up ?" "A Pig !." LORD SEAFIELD, who was accused by his brother of accepting a bribe to vote for the union betwixt England and Scotland, endeavoured to retort upon him by calling him a cattle-dealer. "Ay, weel," replied his brother, "better sell nowtes than sell nations." A LADY was robbed a few nights since by a man who secreted himself in her chamber until she had retired. The box containing her jewellery and that containing her rouge were just alike, and the thief took the wrong box. She looked pale on discovering her loss, but her colour came again the next day. A YOUNG English nobleman visiting at Gordon Castle, had boasted that during his six weeks' shooting in the north he had acquired so much Scotch that it was impossible to puzzle him. The beautiful DUCHESS OF GORDON took up his challenge, and defied him to interpret the sentence: "Come, pree my mou', my canty callant." It was with intense chagrin that he afterwards learned what a chance he had lost by his ignorance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~