> I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past > year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery. > > I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have > them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on > the lemon peel. > > I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last > person was doin g while flipping through the adult movie channels. > > I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has > happened on it since it was last washed. > > I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the > number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell > phone usage may be taking the number one spot). > > Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine > how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. > > I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a > public bathroom. > > I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the > glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope > that needs sealing. > > ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. > > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) > who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. > > I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the > $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOLare sending me for participating in > their special e-mail program. > > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out > for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. > > I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant > freaks with no eyes or feathers. > > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water > buffalo on a hot day. > > THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answer ed if I forward > an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. > > BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove > toilet stains. > > I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car > so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. > > I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these > products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. > > I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. > > AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave > anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. > > I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked > with a needle infected with AIDS. > > I no longer go to shopping mal ls because someone will drug me with a perfume > sample and rob me. > > I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al > Qaeda in disguise. > > I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our > American troops or the Salvation Army. > > I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number > for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore > , and Uzbekistan . > > I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their > recipe. > > THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyo ne's toilet but mine because a big brown > African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it > bites my butt. > > AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the > parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting > underneath my car to grab my leg. > > I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas > companies! > > I can't d o any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown > recluse and my hand will fall off. > > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 > minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. > tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, > causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it > actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's > second h usband's cousin's beautician . . > > Oh, by the way..... > > A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered > that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their > hand on the mouse. > > Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late