THE WORM'S EYE VIEW: COUSINS BY THE DOZENS by Beth Maltbie Uyehara [email protected] When I was young, my family attended a church where we were related to everyone but the bats in the belfry, and sometimes I wondered about them. I never could figure out how we all fit together. I just knew that everybody in the congregation outside of my nuclear family seemed to be an aunt, uncle, cousin or some other, even-more-exotic kinsperson. Then I grew up and discovered genealogy, and found that there are rules governing the degrees of kinship. All those baffling terms like, "first cousin once removed" and "double second cousins" follow simple, logical rules that anyone can master. As a random act of genealogical kindness, therefore, I've created a quick guide to relationships. Memorize these simple rules, and you'll never again be at a loss for words when strangers you're related to hug you and say you look just like big ol' Merlie Jean before she got so sick, poor thing, and how come you never write? First cousin This is your first aunt or first uncle's first child. (A first aunt or uncle is defined as your parent's eldest sibling, known technically as the "oldest child." If your parent is the eldest, or an only, child, and you are that parent's eldest, or only, child, then you are your own first cousin, and are probably spoiled rotten as a consequence. I've known plenty like you, and it's not a pretty sight.) Second cousin Your first aunt or uncle's second child, or your second aunt or uncle's first child. (A second aunt or uncle is the second-eldest child of any grandparent; however, if your parent should him- or herself be the second child, then you and your brothers and sisters are second cousins primarily and siblings only secondarily, and only at Thanksgiving. If you should happen to be the second child of two second children -- boy, are you in trouble. Children who are their own double second cousins rarely turn out well.) Third cousin See definition of second cousin, and add one to every number. I'm sure you have caught the drift by now. Let's move on. First-degree cousin A cousin with a black belt. Usually treated with respect by the rest of the family. Double first cousins Identical twin children of your first aunt or first uncle. Doublemint cousins Identical twin cousins who model for chewing gum ads. Double-dip first cousin First cousin who can't decide between chocolate and vanilla. Double-knit first cousin First cousin dressed for "casual Friday." First cousin once removed Your divorced first aunt or first uncle's first child who is now living with said aunt or uncle's ex-spouse. First cousin twice removed Your divorced first aunt or first uncle's first child who is now living with said aunt or uncle's ex-spouse in a different state. First cousin once reproved Obnoxious young relative who inspires such parental comments as, "Why can't you be more like your cousin Myron? He's only had one spanking in his entire life!" First cousin twice reproved Myron's naughty sibling. First cousin once refurbished First cousin with a nose job. First cousin twice refurbished A first cousin with a nose job and his or her "eyes done." First cousin oft renovated What Michael Jackson is to his parents' siblings' children. First cousin once recharged (a) first cousin with a pacemaker, or (b) A first cousin whose lawyer has never heard of double jeopardy. First cousin once deranged, twice deranged, thrice deranged, &c. I can't bear to define these terms, they bring back such painful memories of my family. Let's just say, if you have to ask, you don't have any. Kissing cousin The effusive type. Every family has at least one. Dissing cousin Cousin who talks nasty about the rest of the family behind their backs. Here is an easy way to remember how to combine the "doubles," "triples," etc., with the "removeds" and other "re-" and "de-" cousins. Just multiply all the numbers involved. Thus your double first cousin three-times deranged is, in kinship math, your deranged sixth cousin (2 [double] x 1 [first] x 3 [deranged] = 6). You may get an argument on this from people who do not understand the intricacies of kinship math. Just explain that you saw it on the Internet, so you know it's true. That's all there is to it! Now, test yourself. What degree of kinship exists between the youngest of two children (Child X) of one parent (Parent A) who is a middle child of three, and another parent (Parent B), who is the eldest child of four of a second marriage, and the overly affectionate twin children (Children Y and Z) of Parent A's younger sister (Parent C) who has a pacemaker, a nose job and a fanny tuck, and who is married to an only child (Parent D) who talks nasty about the rest of the family behind their backs, but who has a black belt in judo, so no one complains? (Further necessary information: Child X cannot decide between chocolate, vanilla, and pistachio.) Give up? Child X and Children Y and Z are kissing, dissing, first-degree, triple-dipping, double-third cousins once recharged and twice refurbished. Or, in kinship math, they are 36th cousins (1 x 3 x 2 x 3 x 1 x 2 = 36). Isn't that easy? As to the proper response when a stranger you're related to wraps you in a bear hug and says you look just like big ol' Merlie Jean before she got so sick, poor thing, and how come you never write? Try, "Bug, off." It works for me. Karen Mitchell 2001 has been declared "The Year of "Love". Pass it on. [email protected] US GenWeb Project County Coordinator Huerfano County Coordinator http://www.rootsweb.com/~cohuerfa/index.htm Huerfano County List Owner [email protected] Taos County Coordinator http://www.rootsweb.com/~nmtaos/index.htm Taos County List Owner [email protected]