Cleared with Karen before posting.... this is HUMOR with history. Thought this might bring a grin..... Author: Rich Tosches Section: LIFESTYLE Publication title:The Gazette. Colorado Springs, Colo.: Jun 1, 1997. pg. LIF.1 Copyright Freedom Newspapers, Inc. Jun 1, 1997 With the advent of such dynamic new energy sources as nuclear fission, solar reactors, geothermal collectors - and here at the Gazelle, two trained chipmunks with very muscular thighs - the power source that carried America to industrial greatness doesn't get much publicity anymore. I'm talking, of course, about coal - the other white meat. (Oops. That's incorrect. Oddly, that same confusion led my great-uncle Sacco to spend 40 terribly frustrating years trying to patent the pork engine.) But next weekend, as they have for more than 60 years, our neighbors in Huerfano County will kick off their Black Diamond Jubilee. It's a two-day celebration of coal and coal mining that includes games, speeches and the centerpiece of the jubilee - the Huerfano County Children's Choir singing the heart-wrenching ballad, "Where Have Our Canaries Gone?" Some background: The county of Huerfano (Spanish, meaning "Hubert has a big fanny!") is about 40 miles from the New Mexico border, along the scenic Cucharas River. To the north is the town of Rye. (Not to mention Pumpernickel and the village of Bran Muffin, which consists of a post office and 147 restrooms.) The Huerfano County seat is Walsenburg. It is not a padded seat, however, and residents say their buttocks often fall asleep. Other towns include Farisita ("How far can you throw my sister?") and La Veta ("Larry is wearing my vest.") Anyway, it was coal that gave the people so much: jobs, houses, schools and, of course, deep, hacking coughs. From the Huerfano County Chamber of Commerce press release announcing the 1997 Black Diamond Jubilee: "The City Built on Coal" was the nickname applied to Walsenburg in the early part of the 20th century, when coal was king. That fact led to the name change that gave us the legendary singer, Nat King Cole. Historians say despite his marvelous voice, he'd performed only in small nightclubs for two decades as Nat King Steam. More from the news release, with the spelling of all nations - I am not kidding - printed exactly as they appeared in the release: The area became home to immi grants from more than 30 foreign countries. . . people from Italy, England, Scotland, Ireland, China, Poland, Russia, Germany and Whales. As you might guess, a popular game among the immigrants at that time was telling a funny joke as a guy from Whales was taking a drink, making him laugh so hard that beer would come out of the blow-hole on the top of his head. During the 1930s, Huerfano County developed the first Black Diamond Jubilee to celebrate the prosperity brought by the coal mines. There were events such as an auto and bicycle circus billed as "Wild Bill Cathorn and His Death Riders." The show basically consisted of Wild Bill Cathorn shouting "Go!" and the people driving the cars would swerve at the people on the bikes, knocking them several thousand feet down into a coal mine. This, as you might imagine, made the guy from Whales laugh so hard he'd blow his hat hundreds of feet into the air then cough up some plankton. But the Black Diamond Jubilee - I gave my wife a dazzling black diamond engagement ring many years ago; sadly, that winter was a harsh one and we had to burn the ring for heat - nearly self-destructed in the late 1930s. The beard contest became the object of a heated legal battle between the Junior Chamber of Commerce and local barbers, who were angered at losing daily business. According to the local newspaper, the barbers alleged the JayCees "had influenced a large and substantial part of the male citizenry from patronizing the tonsorial parlors by a nefarious scheme which was nothing more than pure boycott." (I once wrote an entire column in that exact same sort of journalistic prose. My editor filled my shorts with coal and chased me around the newsroom with a match.) The beard contest dispute was settled, however, and today the Black Diamond Jubilee is thriving. This year there's a softball tournament, street dance, ice cream social and even a beer garden. Although people from one particular nation are banned from the beer garden. I don't want to say who they are, but last year 12 of them had way too much to drink and beached themselves along the Cucharas River. - Rich Tosches' column appears Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday.