If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some of his gems: - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Half the people you know are below average. - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.) - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - OK, so what's the speed of dark? - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. - I intend to live forever - so far, so good. - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.